Tag: yinzer (Page 1 of 2)

Newsflash, Pal: You Can Take the Bitch out of the North Side, But You Can’t Take the North Side out of the Bitch!

May 29, 2026 / / 0 Comments

We’d like to welcome back long-time contributor, Newport Nebby.

She shouts things at us during her smoke breaks and demands we dictate them for print, the same way she’s been doing the job for the last 24 years. She is ‘grandfathered’ as the only person allowed to smoke at 131 different local establishments.

Her bold takes and colorful language give our editorial section a uniquely local flavor that usually only requires 5-8 replacements for particular vulgarities.

landlord-looking guy come up to me the other day and tell me, listen neb we raisin your rent. and im like, first off buddy, the hell you doin outside my apartment lurkin round like some sort of creep—he didn’t even knock or nothin—and the fuck you mean you raisin my rent I been here for bout 8 years now ain’t cause no problems always on time with my bills and this son of a bitch wants to go and raise my rent. He sez well people seent you with that dog and we got extra fees n stuff if you gonna have a dog wit you and I tell you what I was about to crack him right there in that shiny dome of his but I took a breath because I’m a grownup you know? I aint starting fights for no reason so I just lookt him in the eyes and said nuh-uh. Don’tchu even start this shit with me buster. I talked to one guy, ace or larry or mark, or whatever just what six months ago about me and my little princess peanut here and he told me right to my face neb we appreciate how long you been here and you aint shown us nothin but good things long as I known you. You and peanut is good for long as I got this job. Well here I find out it’s ace or jim or whatever’s nephew I don’t know his name was buford or bryson or some silly ass shit like that anyway little 31 year old hotshot over here thinks he runs the show now, thinks he calls the shots. I lookt him dead in the eyes and told him hey pal I was on this earth already when you was brung into it and if I needta ill take you right back out of it. He got all red and run off after that one. Little newsflash braden or bradley or whatever: you can try to take the bitch out the north side but you ain’t ever gonna take the north side out the bitch and if I get my way you ain’t doin neither!

This post was from our second print issue. Get yours in the mail by supporting our $3 tier on Patreon!

Brand Loyalty Mistaken for Working-Class Values 

August 23, 2022 /

MARKET SQUARE — Upper St. Clair native Jaden Thompson, 30, spent yesterday emphasizing his “fierce dedication” to local brands and products, having mistaken his consumerism as a reflection of modest working-class values, according to sources hoping he won’t invite them back to Starbucks again.

“Jaden’s been pushing the yinzer self-narrative ever since he’s come into Bakery Square to take that systems analyst gig,” said co-worker Tim Bachmann. “I don’t he think he realizes the ‘412’ vanity plate on his Audi doesn’t do much when he tips people his 31 cents in change because ‘they didn’t even do that much.’ Honestly, I’ll just be happy if we can get him to stop asking, ‘What are yinz guys up to this weekend’ in that weirdly sterile tone of voice.”

“Also,” added Bachmann hurriedly, “if he asks me ‘Jeet jet?’ one more time, I’m going to punch him in the face.”

Other acquaintances of Thompson expressed equal confusion.

“I can’t tell if it’s serious or self-parody,” said former neighbor Tiara Walker. “He struts around in that ‘Keep Pittsburgh Shitty’ shirt, but won’t shut the hell up about ‘passive income.’ The ‘It’s Still Heinz Field to Me’ memes he posts are great and all, but maybe use that time to stop calling the city for our 71-year-old neighbor’s overgrown yard and help her handle it instead?”

Thompson used a request for comment to double-down on the source of his recently adopted identity.

“My kitchen speaks for itself,” he said, mentioning he hasn’t gone out to get his own groceries since 2018. “Mrs. T’s, Turner’s, Heinz — it’s all there. I might’ve grown up outside the city, but these blue-collar, black-and-gold habits go down hard, unlike this Yuengling, a beer truly made for a hard-working average Joe like myself.”

“Anyway, I’m pulling up DoorDash to get some Primanti’s,” he added with a smile. “Jeet jet?”

Ailing Polish Hill Resident Asks Family to Donate His Body to Kielbasa

August 23, 2022 /

(Article credit → Joe Szalinski, @poetry_hugger)

POLISH HILL – Terminally ill Polish Hill resident Stanley Mroz has requested that his family turn him into kielbasa for purposes of research, according to sources attempting to say their goodbyes through discussions if brining human flesh “will take the edge off.”

“All the power to him,” said Mroz’s neighbor and cousin Gabriel Ludeso, “but not my power. Never again. I had a suspicion he would try something weird like this when he approached me at that party in ‘98 asking if I thought humankind could be ‘faster, stronger, and better complement a potato dish,’ so I relinquished his power of attorney a while ago.”

Other members of Mroz’s family expressed hesitation upon hearing his plan.

“Just another thing he does where he watches movies and gets unusual ideas,” said Mroz’s granddaughter Linda Stefinn, an expert in artificial intelligence. “He just re-watched Transcendence, so he asked me about trying to upload his consciousness into kielbasa, indefinitely extending his existence so he could keep doing kielbasa research on himself. He even seemed more sure of such a plan’s success if his human body became the kielbasa, too. Kind of wish he had put this kind of effort into making my softball games.”

Mroz addressed followers in a video on social media regarding his plea. 

“This is the culmination of my studies,” he said as the video transitioned to a still of him pouring a kielbasa from one beaker to another. “I only hope in death I can continue to help others discover more regarding this wondrous sausage. At least, if I cannot change the world, perhaps I can be in its hearts, minds, and maybe even the stomach of some guy slammed at Gooski’s.”

At press time, Mroz had reportedly interrupted the priest’s last rites to ask him if Jesus had ever specified “an ideal fat ratio” for transubstantiation.

Local Man Not Going to Let Snow Ruin Special Day of Thing He’s Done Every Day for 35 Years 

March 12, 2022 /

OAKLAND — Local resident Rick Bollinger declared this morning that he refused to let several inches of snow that fell overnight ruin the day’s “special” schedule of excessive drinking, despite his doing so nearly every day for more than three decades.

“Ain’t every day you can let loose and crack a few beers without worrying about shit you got to get done,” said Bollinger, who, according to neighborhood sources, leveraged yesterday’s Penguins win, and subsequent celebration, to drink a 12-pack of Lionshead while blasting Motley Crue in his garage. “When else do I get to hang with the guys and toss back a few extra pounders if not on St. Paddy’s Day? Well, outside Steelers and Pitt football games, of course…and Pens games…and when that sweet 80s metal cover band plays at Jergel’s…or when Bobby’s kid’s team makes the WPIAL playoffs…and Thursdays, but the wife usually joins us, so when she has to carry me home instead of Frank, it’s more a couples thing than hanging out.”

As of press time, Bollinger was reportedly sitting at the bar “he barely ever has time for anymore,” where he was served a shot, beer, and bowl of peanuts without saying a word.

REPORT: Dad Drinking Plain Water

July 6, 2021 /

BELLEVUE — Local father Gary Barnes, 63, is currently sipping on a glass of plain water, completely unaided by added flavor powders, liquids, or an accompanying pour of scotch, several astonished sources confirmed.

“We have to believe age is a key factor,” said head researcher and daughter Crystal Barnes. “I watched him eye up an Old Milwaukee across the patio, but after trying to stand up, he thought better of it. I suppose the 17th kidney stone may have finally been enough. That said, since the Crystal Pepsi Deceit of the early 90s, nobody in the family could believe it was regular tap water until on-site taste tests confirmed it.”

As of press time, Mr. Barnes continued to astound observers, after they all participated in a conversation without his contributing a single prejudiced comment.

Yinzer History Teacher Reminds Kids No Pizza Party Until They Finish Unit on Hell in a Cell ’98

June 28, 2021 /

BALDWIN — Middle school history teacher Paul Middleford reminded his summer school students this morning that there will be no pizza party to celebrate the end of their post-year program until they’ve completed the “critical” unit on WWE’s 1998 Hell in a Cell event held in Pittsburgh, according to exasperated sources filling in blank quotes from Jim Ross.

“It’s like, we get it, Mr. M,” said eighth-grader Tony Adams. “I promise never to forget, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident,’ ‘I have a dream,’ and ‘As God is my witness, he is broken in half.’ We brought enough thumbtacks for the life-size model you wanted, can we just have some Pepsi and a half slice of greasy pizza now?”

As of press time, the class was reportedly groaning as Middleford requested a volunteer to wear the cowboy hat “just one last time.”

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