DOWNTOWN — Steelers fan Adam King, 31, played Styx favorite ‘Renegade’ at full volume earlier today in hopes of inspiring a comeback in the later stages of his third DUI hearing over the last several years, courtroom sources confirmed.
“My client evidently misunderstood my advice to prepare for the worst,” said legal counsel Mrs. Gabby Schwartz. “After the judge ripped into him, I was hoping he would say that he had started rehab, done some community service — really anything indicative of remorse. Instead, he found it in his best interest to play the air kick drum and match Dennis DeYoung in a shrill falsetto that nearly got him maced.”
King told sources he had a CD-R of ‘Master of Puppets’ to play next, but the judge had reportedly threatened to confiscate it. According to Schwartz, her client continued to engage in other detrimental behaviors.
“I warned him numerous times in person and on the phone not to bring that cooler,” she said. “At the very least, he could’ve refrained from offering the judge an Iron City tall boy in return for ‘taking it easy’ on him. Also, while I appreciate the enthusiasm, the chants of ‘defense’ and the homemade fence prop were more distracting than helpful.”
King felt his case was hindered by a “disconnect” between him and his representation.
“I was ready to lead the team down the field to acquittal, but the coaches kept calling me off,” he said. “Take my character reference, for example. I don’t understand why Jeff Reed isn’t an ‘ideal candidate.’ So what if he constantly refers to me as ‘homey’ or adds a few McFadden’s stories in there?”
Ultimately, he appeared to have no regrets.
“We ran the football in the first and second hearing, and it got us nowhere,” he argued. “So I decided to call an audible and air it out on third and long with a killer classic rock tune. You know what they say: ‘go big or go home.’
“Or to jail, I guess.”
