SAINT PAUL, Minn. — Former Penguins player and assistant general manager Bill Guerin initiated impromptu hockey-style fights with numerous Minnesota Wild employees this morning to assert his dominance as the team’s new GM, sources holding ice packs to various parts of their face confirm.
“You see guys throw their weight around in office politics, but this was something totally different,” said VP of ticket sales Harold Gallagher as he attempted to wash the unappealing smell from his face. “From what I’ve heard from around the building, I got off easy: he only rubbed his palm in my face and warned me that if I cross him I’ll ‘lose some chiclets.'”
Added Gallagher: “Also, is it healthy to have a hand that permanently smells like that?”
Guerin explained the mindset he had entering the building this morning.
“I’m fresh meat, and everyone at this level can smell that,” he said, taping his hands for a walk-thru of the office planned for this afternoon. “So when I saw Justin [McElroy] from marketing eyeing me up , I realized there was only one way I was making through today alive: I had to send a message — and now. Luckily, he seemed to underestimate me, so I could grip him up and get two good hits in before he set his feet, but I know he’s probably seething right now, plotting to get me back, so I have to be ready.”
As of press time, McElroy reportedly intended to use PTO and head home early, as soon as his nose stopped bleeding and he was no longer sobbing uncontrollably.
