Kennywood Park will work alongside the Pittsburgh Pirates to construct a new Pirates-themed roller coaster that consists of one uninterrupted precipitous drop, the park announced today.
“We wanted to capture the essence of modern Pirates baseball,” said park spokesperson Nick Parks, who then noted how the recently announced Steel Curtain coaster meant to reflect the Steelers’ brand of offense-first football. “So we figured what better way than an unending descent that lasts approximately 20 years?”
Seeming to predict concerns from the park’s fans, Parks addressed the reasoning behind the ride’s exclusively downhill design.
“We intended to have the design team mix in a couple of climbs here and there,” he said. “You know, something to make the rider think, ‘Hey, maybe this thing is finally going to change.’ But before we had a chance to add it to the blueprints, we ended up trading all the necessary parts to a rival amusement park. Whoops.”
“Good news is the trade helped us secure enough basic raw material to ensure the Jolly Roger can keep being built on an aggressive downward slope for years to come,” he added.
When reached for comment, Whitney Rogers, a spokesperson for the ride’s engineering firm S&S Sansei, confirmed that there was more to the roller coaster than a continually disappointing fall to the bottom.
“We want both fans of the team and coasters to know that the Jolly Roger will be an immersive experience,” she said. “From Sid Bream’s personalized introduction, showing his game-winning slide from several high-definition angles, to wonderful sight lines of the surrounding area that almost make the ride semi-bearable, it will really feel like you’re suffering at the ballpark.”
Following the announcement, team owner Bob Nutting spoke briefly about his excitement for the cross-branding endeavor.
“We truly believe this coaster can be one of the best in the whole nation,” he said. “But we need riders to make sure they are coming to the park to keep the income flow steady. That way, we can invest that revenue back into improvements for the roller coaster down the line.”
Preliminary reports, however, suggested that the Pirates stand to land $30 million in profit from the deal with Kennywood, no matter how poorly the new coaster fares.
