BELLEVUE — Local man Ryan Erskine reportedly faced such extreme levels of boredom yesterday that he nearly started reading a full-length novel.
“Another one of them I Heart Radio ads came on DVE and I started feeling weak,” Erskine said, loading AC/DC’s ‘Back in Black’ album into his home tape deck as a “safety net” in case of future such incidents. “Things went dark for a second, and when I came to, I was perusing the preface of this book: you know, with the character arcs, conflict, similes — the whole nine yards. It didn’t even talk about the Steelers or nothing.”
The 33-year-old considered himself fortunate to have narrowly escaped the predicament.
“Good thing my buddy Tom found me and yelled ‘Matt Murray’s better than Fleury’ before I got to the first chapter or I might be a goner,” he said, visibly trembling. “Just another man to have fallen prey to the great dangers of — I don’t even want to say it — literature. I think ‘harrowing’ is the right term, but I ain’t double-checking because last thing I need is to get wrapped up in gateway texts like a dictionary.”
Erskine’s friends admitted they had detected “something weird” about his presence over the past few weeks.
“I don’t think that was the first time the reading thing has happened,” said neighbor Tom Watkins. “Me and the guys was talking the other day about the weather and Ryan went off about ‘man’s existential yearning to be one with nature and his learned tendency to destroy in the very same breath.’ Once I saw he had swapped out Yuengling and Iron for an aged Merlot, I know I’d better start keeping tabs on him.”
As of press time, sources say Erskine was speeding to his father’s house after receiving an alarming text message in which the latter threatened to show human emotion.
