*IMPORTANT NOTE FROM THE EDITOR* — UPDATED 5/21
Thank you dearly for actually reading this article before sharing it. When this post was published in April, it was purely satire. Now, Mark Cuban is, evidently, trying to buy the O. To that, the editorial board simply says this: LET’S GO, JAGOFF; TIME TO PROVE US WRONG OR LET THIS ARTICLE LIVE IN PERPETUAL GLORY UNTIL THE END OF DAYS.
OAKLAND — Pittsburgh-born mogul Mark Cuban announced today that he will invest in The Original Hot Dog Shop to save it from financial ruin, precisely as he did with the Pirates and Penguins franchises.
“As a Pitt guy, the O holds a place in my heart,” he said. “Much like my beloved local sports teams, which I very much rescued and now happily own. The last thing I want to see is a time-honored staple in our community fail, so I’m putting in my chips to bring the O back to its former glory — much like I did with the Buccos in 2005, if you recall.”
Cuban doubled-down on his original statement.
“I loathe people who talk big about their hometown just to get their name in the papers,” he said, disdainfully shaking his head at the thought of somebody exciting interest in a market only when it served their means. “So let me make this clear: I’m saving the O, and just like my group kept the Penguins in Pittsburgh so many years ago, I will see that this institution also stays and prospers for years to come.”
Oakland resident Missy Powers hoped the restaurant’s supporters will act on the announcement responsibly.
“Social media can be dangerous,” she said. “It’s of vital importance to Mr. Cuban’s efforts that we don’t go doing something stupid like vetting sources or asking practical questions. What we need to do is spread this information to as many people and bombard as many call-in news programs as possible, which will force it to be true.”
As of press time, an enthused Cuban mentioned further plans to fund functioning public transit infrastructure, bring Rolling Rock back to Latrobe, revive Hills department stores, and, “toughest of all,” get Pitt football another 10-win season.
Editor’s note: an addendum to the original post includes a viewpoint from local sources. The editorial board found it imperative to represent the community viewpoint as well.
