POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
“The virus looks slow and uninspired,” he said. “People obsessed with stats will point out how many cases it landed prior to the end of last week, but it looked like a lot of low-percentage stuff to me. Every time the virus tried to make an adjustment, the guys on back-end for the state had them figured out. Time to admit that this global crisis is over and just move on to the next one.”
Baronowski found it “surprising” that more people weren’t doing the same. He attributed people’s willingness to hold out to inexperience.
“You’d swear some of these people have never watched a pandemic before,” he said. “The virus makes a couple fancy, do-nothing spikes in hastily reopened area and suddenly everybody is standing up like its a game-changer.”
“Bunch of amateurs,” he added. “Real contagion fans can see a contender who has what it takes to be a threat come June. Hate to break it to these know-nothings, but this virus will be lucky to make it out of the first round [of declining positive cases].”
Experts have warned against such presumptions, however.
“Being in the lead against a virus like COVID-19 can create significant psychological stress,” said CMU researcher Dr. Christina Soo. “It requires you adhere to a less-fulfilling style of play: more conservative choices, commitment to a stay-at-home defense, and minimal opportunities to put your foot on the gas pedal. That strain can cause some players to stray from the plan the Governor drew up on the bench, and a couple of bad shifts later — boom: it’s all tied up and we’ve got a brand-new game.”
Baronowski conceded “there’s always the chance” of a dramatic comeback, but claimed he “should probably get back to work” after somehow allegedly spending his entire $1200 stimulus check on four beers and one order of nachos.
