TORONTO — A research team commissioned by the NHL discovered a never-before-seen third commercial this morning, according to league sources telling FanDuel their ad will now only broadcast 7,000,000 times over the next several days.
“I can’t believe I lived to see this day,” said NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly in a press conference. “Thanks to our scientists’ hard work, we have shattered the long-held two-commercial model around which we’ve based our broadcast breaks for decades. I’ve been told the ad even closely resembles the length and subject matter of our own home commercial, thus making it a perfect candidate for immediate colonization and airing.”
Daly expounded upon league officials’ initial reluctance to accept the results.
“It’s hard to break old belief systems, sometimes scary even,” he said. “To this end, we also want to apologize sincerely to the marketing rep whom we threatened to have burned at the stake for what we once mistook as outrageous suggestions. This must be how Galileo felt.”
Dr. Sonia Johansson of the research team indicated they will continue to seek out more commercials with the potential to air during the play-in round and beyond.
“We’ve pushed our own commercial to near exhaustion,” she said. “We thought the natural bounty of a foreign-born player saying something funny and sports betting would last us forever, but we’re now seeing the costly consequences of that misconception. We hope to find more insurance- or telecom-class commercials throughout the marketing universe that will be able to sustain constant repetition between game highlights and top-10 lists for the foreseeable future.”
Meanwhile, league sources report a team of linguists are close to breakthrough that would enable announcers and fans to call players a nickname that doesn’t end in “-er” or “-y.”
