SWISSVALE — Local “booze expert” Harry Gibson suggested guests at a dinner party he attended this weekend would best complement their herb chicken entree with an “ice cold, well-aged” can of Lionshead beer he grabbed from the back of his fridge, according to sources still trying to get the smell out of the glassware.
“I was already hesitant to invite Harry ever since that potluck where he brought hot dogs swimming in nacho cheese that you were supposed to fish out with a piece of Wonder bread,” said host Renee Cox. “Hence my reluctance when he started rummaging for our stemware to share something special he had ‘on ice,’ which apparently meant inside his lined fanny pack. I should’ve sensed something was amiss when he asked for the corkscrew only to shotgun the IPA I had given him.”
“I appreciate his insistence on calling it an ’09,'” she added, “but the ruse wore out pretty quickly after Fran threw up in her mouth just from smelling it.”
Upon realizing the nature of the “gift on the house,” guests responded in a variety of ways.
“I just shot it straight away,” said Tom Higgins, “Followed by a heap of cheesy mashed potatoes, I was able to keep it down. Nate, though, pretended to waft in the smell and let it aerate for hours, so it had sat there awhile before Harry finally forced him to take it, plus finish ‘the good stuff at the bottom.’ Now he hasn’t shown up to work or answered any of my texts since Saturday.”
For his part, Gibson defended his choice of beverage.
“Listen, for some people, a ‘vintage’ might come from a California vineyard in, like, the 90s,” he said. “But that don’t mean it can’t also be something that been sitting on the porch in one of them foam coolers from the Steelers’ last Super Bowl appearance until this past Friday — ‘potayto, potahto,’ ya know? It wasn’t exactly wine, sure, but pretty sure 11 summer heats had fermented it past the point of still being a beer.”
As of press time, Gibson had reportedly finished cleaning his car and was starting to prepare for another friend’s cocktail night by Googling “best mixer for water bottle full of booze that smells like gin.”
