I mean, it’s not rude if it’s true: I’m from Erie where we get lake-effect snow all the time, so I just have lots of experience — that’s all. As such, I happen to have a better grasp of driving in snow than people in Pitts—oh shit, oh fuck, oh shit — hold on!
OK. OK. There we go. You all right? Sorry about that. Jesus, why would anybody make a hill at that angle, let alone allow cars to be parked on both sides?
ANYWAY, as I was saying, I can remember days when we’d have five, six, even seven inches of snow and we still wouldn’t have off school. Meanwhile, the city kids around here get off the second there’s even a couple snowfl—OH CHRIST, HOLD TIGHT! Left, car, to—the—left!
…
Everybody good? I think my heart has finally slowed down.
Seriously, though, was that road even touched? You saw how carefully I took that corner, right? How is it that you can make one turn and go from four pounds of salt on each side to a hockey rink? Do they know people have to drive on these deathtraps?
Honest to God, though, I remember my first job when I was 17: you could barely walk on the sidewalks and there was a pile-up on I-90 in minutes, but still my manager didn’t see why I couldn’t come fill my shift, which I just don’t see happening her—EVERYBODY HOLD ON! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, ASSHOLE!
Fuck, did I clip that curb? Why the fuck do you need a truck the size of a tank for a road as wide as a sidewalk? What a goddamn prick. I better check the car. Can you have AAA ready to call if need be?
All this shit almost makes me want to move back to Erie.
Almost.
