The ultimate occasion of love and intimacy has arrived: Valentine’s Day. The pandemic may have snuffed out your plans for a ‘traditional’ holiday outing, but luckily the gambino of good vibes and godfather of getting frisky — that’s right — Penguins historian Bob Grove has just what you need to keep things as fun and exciting as 20-year-old Mark Recchi recording his first NHL tally with a timely poke past Winnipeg Jets goaltender Pokey Reddick at the 17:42 mark of the second period in a 7-3 loss on January 20, 1989. If that doesn’t start getting your blood flowing, then check your pulse!
#1: Ambience is Everything
“The brain and body are amazing things: they’re always ‘listening’ to everything around you, so take care in the way you set up the surroundings to ensure the night goes in the direction you intend.
If you want to start slow before ratcheting things up to full gear, then nothing works better than the uptempo pace of everyone’s favorite 2009 hit: the Penguins comeback at Joe Louis Arena on November 11 to secure a 7-6 OT win, where Jordan Staal’s third period hat trick and assist on Ruslan Fedetenko’s OT winner will have you screaming each other’s name, or Staalsy’s, in your own thrilling finish.
Looking to last the long haul? Then crank up the volume on a classic Pens’ 12-1 dismantling of the Toronto Maple Leafs at Civic Arena on December 26, 1991, with right winger Joey Mullen putting four in behind besieged Leafs goalie Grant Fuhr and team, like you, pouring it on all—night—long.”
#2: Be Flexible
“No matter how much you plan, life never fails to have a few pucks carom unpredictably off the end boards just as you’re skating behind the net to start the breakout. So if you find that something in your meal has suddenly hamstrung you before you can land a W, like Tommy Barrasso, who was forced out by an injury just 10 minutes into the Penguins’ December 7, 1995 contest against the visiting Montreal Canadiens, remember there’s always time on the clock: sure, it might seem like it’s raining down goals against like backup Kenny Wregget who let in four goals in under a period and half of play, but that’s when you strike back with seven unanswered to the roar — or, better yet, the moans — of all 15,842 cheering you on.”
#3: Roll Four Lines
“It’s easy to put all the burden on your go-to love-making combination to lead you to victory, but the NHL and the bedroom are tough leagues to win in and you can be sure the other team has already got a thorough scouting report. That’s when you need to remind them that you’ve got a whole roster to defend: let the fourth line wear them down by getting the puck deep and slowly pounding, pounding, pounding away at their defense before unleashing that dangerously underrated third line with both the speed and skill to put the game away for good — just like we saw the famed ‘HBK’ line of the Penguins do in the 2016 playoffs, with the high-paced trio racking up a combined 56 points and helping propel the team to its second Stanley Cup in the Crosby-Malkin era.”
Yearning for more? Keep an eye out for our next column on love from the ol’ 29er Phil Bourque, to be posted as soon as we can convince him to leave out the NSFW photos, in which he is personally demonstrating all the maneuvers he’s suggesting.
