In light of the perilous road conditions, KDKA viewers should ensure that they demonstrate the utmost level of recklessness when tagging the station at numerous points during this morning’s commute, according to salivating sources staring at ratings reports.
“It’s awfully slippery out there,” said weather team member Barb Ward, “so make sure to be extra careless this morning when sending us your pics from any four-car pileups you caused. We will be showing our favorite accidents throughout the day, so don’t miss the chance to have yours featured on the best local source for responsible journalism, KDKA.”
Daytime news manager Cam Hightower explained how viewers could improve their chances of making it on the air.
“Obviously we always appreciate a nice, carefully taken still with our name on it,” he noted dismissively. “The best posts, though, show members of community in action — say, bleeding internally after trying to live-tweet us while crossing a busy intersection or, if time is limited, with a quick selfie of your lifeless corpse with KDKA somehow emblazoned on your chest. Those are the real go-getters we want to feature.”
As of press time, the morning crew was solemnly reporting yet another accident in which there were no fatalities or ways to improve the station’s SEO score.
