ROSS TOWNSHIP — Substitute health teacher Mike Nicholson disregarded the lesson plan he was provided for Health 8 yesterday to spend the entire 40-minute period steering students away from the “life-ruining, family-destroying” sport of soccer.
“I saw what they was [sic] supposed to read and knew I had to be a catalyst for change,” he said. “These kids already know to stay off the reefer. What they don’t know is how to react when their so-called buddy asks them to ‘play a little Rondo’ down the hill after school. All it takes is one time and then poor Billy will be jonesing to ‘knock the ball around a bit’ and begging his friends to ‘play him through’ or some shit. It’s scary stuff.”
Nicholson admitted that his insistence on “getting the word out” stems from first-hand experience he had within his family.
“I seen [sic] it happen to my nephew,” he said, holding a “before” picture of his sister’s son in football gear and an “after” photo in a soccer uniform that he quickly turned face down. “Seemed like yesterday that he was a proud third-string tight end and now he goes around telling people he wants to be a ‘deep-lying midfielder,’ which I assume is some kind of slang for an undercover soccer dealer. [My sister] Debbie and her husband claim everything is OK, but I can see in their eyes that it’s eating them up. It’s something no family should have to endure.”
“If it weren’t such an awful thing, why would these hooligans try naming it after something as cool as football?” he added.
A student, who was permitted to speak under the condition anonymity, detailed some elements from the lesson Nicholson provided.
“Mr. Nicholson had us make a cheat sheet of words and phrases to look out for,” said the teenager. “Now I know to stay away from anybody who uses words like ‘kit’ and ‘pitch,’ which is what the bad guys say to make you think they’re talking about baseball. We also learned to yell ‘USA! USA!’ at the top of our lungs if we ever find ourselves tricked into joining a juggle circle.”
As of press time, Nicholson had reportedly filled another absence and was having students perform live demonstrations on cheating concussion tests “like a man.”
