LAWRENCEVILLE — Panicked resident Huck Warsing rushed to buy alternative milk and sprouted grain bread in preparation for the potential snow accumulation arriving Sunday into Monday, sources wondering if they also should have gotten extra rolls of sustainably sourced, 100-percent recycled toilet paper confirm.
“Sure, I may call it ‘sportsball’ and not like classic rock, but I’m still Pittsburgh at my core,” he said. “I know it’s important to stock up on my essentials: I’ve got a cache of La Perrier sparkling water, unsweetened almond and oat milk, and, of course, a fine sprouted grain bread, containing both farro and amaranth — you know, the basics. All I have to do is grab my Stevia soda and I’ll be ready to bunker down like a proper Pittsburgher should.”
As of press time, sources say Warsing was still searching desperately for “hometown favorite” Beyond-brand chipped ham.
