SHADYSIDE — Despite treacherous conditions, local resident Mitch Hiler has reportedly decided he will undertake “any risk whatsoever” to make certain an Instacart employee manages to reach his home with suitable quantities of milk and bread to last the remaining inclement weather.
“Some lesser men might like playing it safe with what they have in the fridge,” he said, pouring a Merlot as he watched his neighbors attempt to push one a car out of snowbank near his driveway. “Not this guy, though. I’m ready to brave any upcharge or brutal one-star customer rating that dare stand in the way of me and the nine miles and four accidents this Paul guy has to drive to drop it off.”
Hiler noted that he expects unforeseen challenges to emerge.
“The unknown is always scary, but I’ll have to carry on nonetheless,” he said. “Will Paul be lazy and not get Dave’s Killer Good Seed Bread exactly as I asked? Well, I’ll ask him right to his face assuming he doesn’t careen into a telephone pole coming down the hill. Maybe there’s even some dastardly hidden fees for getting a driver killed, but the sanctity of my dietary needs must be met — at all costs.”
Paul Kaminsky, the Instacart employee currently filling Hiler’s order, is used to the 31-year-old’s mentality.
“His kind order shit like it’s been ordained by God while they sit on their sofa,” he said. “Honestly, I don’t really care. I just wish he’d stop calling me a ‘noble warrior’ and asking for the nutritional information of every oat milk in the store. It’s a Market District, you asshole: there’s 40 varieties and you have a smartphone.”
As of press time, sources say Hiler had declared that he “will stop at nothing” to ensure the UberEats driver with his tapas is clinically dead before filing a complaint.
