Hardcore Steelers fan Bill Hixenbaugh completed his yearly transition into a fervent supporter of the Pittsburgh Penguins earlier today, incredulous sources reported amid eye rolls.
“Every year when the Steelers blow it, Bill drinks himself into utter disrepair,” said friend Nate Boyers. “We’re not talking just needing a cab home: one time he crashed in a pile of mulch fully decked out in his Iron City cut-off sweatshirt, hard hat, and limited-edition Steelers Air Force Ones. Like clockwork, though, there he was seven days later, still somehow covered in mulch, wearing the Pens’ latest promotional jersey and attack-talking me about the pros and cons of every potential target for the trade deadline.”
Dr. Dinesh Sahoo of UPMC Sports Medicine has conducted several studies on Steelers fans over the years to determine the cause of behavior like Hixenbaugh’s.
“At the sight of a season-ending turnover or last-minute loss, many Steelers fans rapidly enter a reactive short-term mental hibernation,” he said of the response he and his staff have coined “bandwagon napping.” “During this dormant state, the brain can recover hockey-related lexicons from long-term memory storage to ensure survival of the individual’s ego during the NHL season. If no such lexicons are found, the brain will go about replacing them, typically with monosyllabic derivatives like ‘shoot,’ ‘skate,’ and sometimes ‘fight.'”
“To be fair, we see the reverse in other individuals as well in late spring,” he added. “It tends to play out differently, though, because they have the whole summer to decompress.”
When asked if any individuals ever transitioned into Pirates fans, Dr. Sahoo said he had limited input because such persons were usually moved immediately to Western Psych for further evaluation.
