(Article by Bashir Tanweer, @mexghanistan)
NORTH SHORE — In light of the “immense hardship the franchise faces,” the Pittsburgh Pirates announced today that they will immediately cease all baseball operations and complete the transition to a full-time hat company.
“I feel like we gave the whole baseball team thing a good run,” said owner Bob Nutting, “but our department of analytics has run the data countless times and we’re just better off abandoning the actual baseball part of the baseball business. I think all the owners would agree with me when I say that’s why we got into baseball: to make money.”
Reports indicate the club plans to field a bare-bones team through April before shifting corporate focus exclusively to making, marketing, and selling the world famous solid black hat with the gold ‘P.’ Meanwhile, the organization’s baseball operations and team executives will be given new positions, including Jalapeño Hannah, who will be promoted to Vice President of Hat Sciences by virtue of her previous fashion experience.
Team leaders believe the change won’t be as significant as fans might anticipate.
“Just because we are cranial apparel company doesn’t mean we won’t be your same old Pirates organization,” said now shift manager Ben Cherington. “What’s the hat-maker equivalent to trading Meadows, Glasnow and Baz for a pitcher with no shoulder? Sewing the brim on the top of a hat instead of the bottom? That’s what we are going to work hard on moving forward — not sewing the brim to the top of the hat.
“In fact,” he added, “I don’t see why we couldn’t be one of the top five or six company not sewing the brim on top of hats within the next several years…but that will only work if fans of our hats continue to come out and spend their money.”
Questions remain regarding the fate of PNC Park.
“We know it won’t be the same without your beloved Buccos taking the field at PNC Park,” said Nutting. “So we will be sending all the taxpayers who funded our stadium a free Nathan’s hot dog as a very generous token of our gratitude. And don’t you worry: we’ve still got 36 Dave Matthews Band and radio country concerts slated for the next year.”
The team has reportedly conducted talks as well to list the property on AirBnb and Vrbo under “unique stays” for approximately $20,000 per night. No parties or gatherings will be allowed.
