WEST MIFFLIN — Local high school senior Bryan Franks started preparations for the upcoming Penguins season this morning by promptly leaving the building after second period, according to sources watching Franks crack a beer from his trunk.
“Over the years, I’ve gotten to know Bryan’s routine,” said office staff Kelly Waltenbaugh. “He darts down after first period to get a bag of Doritos, slams two Mountain Dews during the break between first and second, and then he kind of wanders around for the third until he finds a couple open seats in a classroom that he ‘ain’t tried before.’ You can see why I was so shocked when he just bolted after geography class second period.”
Franks claimed he’s grown tired of “the rush” that occurs at the end of the school day.
“People are all worked up at the end, ya know?” he said, pulling out his phone on the couch to make sure he hadn’t missed anything important while driving home. “They’re eager to get out of there, but the parking lot is jammed, guys are hollering at each other—I’m just not in the mood for it.”
“Plus, the year is so long now,” he added. “They just keep adding days. But we know how this one was gonna end: I hide out in the bathroom during gym, sneak down to lunch early, throw a few chocolate milks like they’re hand grenades, and get sent home, so why not just cut to the chase?”
The soon-to-be 19-year-old explained how his perspective to the school day has changed since 9th grade.
“The in-home experience has gotten so much better over the years,” Franks noted. “I’ve kind of aged out as a result. Just a couple years ago, I wanted to be in the thick of things. It felt like the experience wasn’t the same if you weren’t there in wood shop to call kids a jagoff to their face. Nowadays, it’s just easier to open up the Chromebook and watch class at my leisure. If there’s a boring stretch of instruction, it gives me a second to get a Hot Pocket going or snag a cold one from the garage.”
As of press time, Franks was reportedly following his algebra class online, shouting “Learn!” loudly into the device.
