NORTH SHORE — Thousands of the country’s most unstable men clad in a hoodie, brown boots, and an NFL or college football jersey gathered on the North Shore today to attend this year’s American Fistfight Convention, sources shouting obscenities about the loved ones of passersby confirmed.
“It’s great see so many of these pieces of shit, new and old, together in one place so I can kick all their asses at once,” threatened local attendee and Brookline resident Ryan Carter, 33, noting that any goodwill in beatdowns would exclude “Browns fans, Ravens fans, Bengals fans, Cowboys fans, Flyers fans, soccer fans, anybody in skinny jeans, simps, guys drink Mich(elob) Ultra, and people smiling like they friendly, but they really ain’t.”
“Hear they got a good speaker this year,” he added. “Some dude named Frank from Jersey. I can’t wait to hear how the art of arbitrary and booze-fueled continues to evolve before kicking that fucker in the head.”
Those attending the convention chose between a number of packages that included perks like Bottomless Jack and Cokes, access to a VIP custodial closet to urinate in when lines are too long, and an embossed vape pen from Tequila Cowboy or McFadden’s.
Despite the raucous environment, representatives in city government expressed confidence that the event would provide a series of local benefits.
“This event will serve as a great test of preparedness for the NFL draft this summer,” Mayor Gainey’s office said in a statement. “We look forward to a wealth of data on what terribly offensive slurs that these folks believe are ‘back in play’ and the number of Bud Light cans we can expect to find in the Monongahela River upon the event’s conclusion. Combined with the boon for commercial contractors replacing bathroom stall doors, shattered, windows, tarnished floors, and destroyed drywall, we welcome the Fistfighters of America with open arms.”
As of press time, Mr. Carter had reportedly stopped berating a man in tears after discovering the display of emotion was rooted in a failed final leg of a 12-part parlay and not an insult aimed at his deceased child.
