SOUTH SIDE – Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was once again caught watching 2005 9/11 conspiracy documentary “Loose Change” instead of his assigned game film in preparation for their Thursday night match-up against the Bengals, exasperated sources report.
“I’ve discussed this with Aaron,” Mike Tomlin told reporters, “and we both agree that it’s time for him to brush up on the Bengals’ defense and how they’ve adapted their rushing game after Trey Hendrickson’s back injury. A movie with a narrative about how the hole left in the Pentagon on 9/11 was inconsistent with what Boeing 757s had made in prior accidents isn’t going to prepare him for Al Golden’s 4-3 base as well as actual game film does. We both now feel the conspiracy stuff is better utilized in his personal life. He looks better in a black and gold helmet than a tinfoil one, anyway.”
However, Rodgers seemed to have a different understanding of the issue.
“Coach T and I have both agreed that he’d benefit from opening up his mind a bit,” Rodgers noted. “In fact, it seems everybody here would, because you have no idea what’s going on in the world. Maybe doing some research instead of pumping your bodies with vaccines and Tylenol would help you all to realize Big Pharma’s been pulling the wool over your eyes for years. And when it comes to 9/11, do you honestly think our government had nothing to do with it? Please.”
When pressed on what all of this had to do with his performance on the field, he continued.
“The issue has been taken care of,” Rodgers said cryptically. “You can return to your safe little bubbles with your Netflix and your Jimmy Kimmel, and leave the football to me. It’s obvious that you believe your reality is limited to what your senses are telling you. Have you ever been on a life-changing Peruvian ayahuasca journey? I have, and if I feel my enhanced awareness of my surroundings leads me down alternative paths to ensure I’m at the top of my game, I will pursue them. By the way, did you know there were eyewitness reports of unrelated explosions at the ground level of the North Tower?”
At press time, Rodgers was seen trying to goad Broderick Jones into watching the rest of the movie with him.
Article by Steve Packosky
@dontbaketheloaf.bsky.social
