MILLVALE—A series of Pennsylvania law enforcement agencies continued their search this morning for Millvale Music Fest Associate Chair Greg Nussmeyer, alleged to have orchestrated “a masterful heist” to embezzle event funds totaling as much as $14.
“We’ve had to expand our search radius by significant margins,” said Sgt. Kiley Mills of the Nussmeyer Search Task Force, “a state-led collaborative operations team.” A state government spokesperson indicated they had shifted to capturing Nussmeyer dead or alive. “With that kind of bankroll, he could be jet-setting on the exotic streets of New Ken or eating Takis in the Getgo parking lot in Edgewood—there’s just no way to know for sure. And if he’s already laundered a hefty portion of it via lottery tickets, well, we might be looking for a needle in a haystack.”
Critics of the search have argued that Nussmeyer, reported by fellow organizers to spend “about 200 days a year” planning the event, likely reimbursed himself for a variety of expenditures that emerge over the course of the weekend. Authorities have thus far dismissed these explanations, suggesting instead that the accused had set up a “slush fund,” used to reference the chair member’s own checking account, to funnel funds to himself.
“A pipe dream of optimism,” said Detective Robert Klein. “Folks really believe a guy like this Nussmeyer fellow can stare at the pot of gold that Millvale Music Fest rakes in every year and resist the temptation. Think of all the things he could do with that $14: get about three gallons of gas; buy a 24-rack of Busch Light; get a large pizza, maybe, if it’s, like, on special or something. Us morally upright folks would have a hard time keep our hands of that kind of scratch, let alone this degenerate.”
Voices standing behind the Millvale local appear to have grown louder since the search has dragged on. Nonetheless, officials consider the evidence provided by a number of whistleblowers trustworthy.
“Come on, do we really think people would just invent these serious accusations just because their band didn’t get accepted?” challenged state spokesperson Regina Monroe. “Or because they didn’t like the venue or slot they were given? Or because the festival refused to recognize their rider of a personal chauffeur and a bottle of Grey Goose? We all know people aren’t that vindictive or petty.”
As of press time, Monroe’s comments came under scrutiny after it was discovered her band’s submission had been rejected for claiming they were a “local group” from Harrisburg.
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