ALLEGHENY WEST—Calling it “the century’s single most daring endeavor to chart the unknown,” the North Side Space Administration announced that a vessel with three explorers made its return landing on East Ohio Street yesterday morning to wrap up the program’s first-ever human-led mission to Bethel Park.
“We are just so proud of our mechanical crew, our operations team, and most importantly those brave souls who journeyed into the depths of the unknown,” said program director Parker McElhinney, who had to shout over cheers and pops of champagne bottles from surrounding staff. “We just want to set an example to all those young people out there who stare with wonder at the Liberty Bridge that they, too, can one day reach the great beyond of Pasta Too or the South Park skating rink.”
The agency called the mission a “resounding success,” noting that the crew had gathered critical data points requiring human input to verify, including the proper lane combination for optimized rush hour travel, where to stop for bathroom breaks on Library Road, and if anybody had a good wing night “in case your buddy wants to watch the Pens game over that way because, you know, he’s got the hots for some lady down there.”
Several members of the mission staff confirmed the venture faced several “potentially catastrophic” unknowns the crew was fortunate to survive, most concerning of which was construction that forced the team’s vessel to reroute shortly after entering unfamiliar territory. Instead of a straightforward path through a pocket known as “The Saw Mill,” the crew were redirected through an incredibly dense corridor called Route 19, internally nicknamed “Hell’s Alley.” The resulting change resulted in base operations declaring a highest-tier alert for acute collision risks.
“The local lifeforms behaved oddly,” said urbannaut Frank Mitton. “They brazenly parked their vehicles partway in the thoroughfares and crossed busy stretches of travel at seemingly random intervals. It’s just a hunch, but it’s almost like they acted in a way meant to ward off visitors, which explains why so little of the area has been explored to this point.”
“Everywhere we looked we found signs condemning any vessel stowed in the surrounding area from 2-6 a.m.,” added fellow crew member Anya Gomez. “It seemed like local governing bodies were even adversarial to their own people in this matter, so we had no choice but to power through without delay.”
The administration has refused to comment if any artifacts were gathered for study after reports that an extraterritorial returned with the crew, drunkenly mistaking their vessel for a Lyft pickup from Spoonwood Brewing.
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