ROBINSON TOWNSHIP—Parties involved in a large Catholic wedding conflict “spanning families, generations, and something said once in 1993” have managed to arrange a ceasefire that will ensure a period of peace lasting at least until the conclusion of the Cupid Shuffle, report sources shouting so loudly they can’t hear hotel staff asking them not to smoke in the lobby.
“And let this commitment to civility, rendered here before the eyes of God and with His blessing, help us not into the darkness of conflict, but instead ‘walk it by ourselves’ into the light of family and friends. Amen,” read Father Luke Moore aloud to a collective amen from other celebrants. The priest, whom the bride has known since childhood, helped to broker the deal in the critical final moments before the bar opened for cocktail hour.
“I’m used to tidying things up within just one family,” said Father Moore, dabbing sweat with a napkin. “Now we’ve got two…or I guess three: everybody here doesn’t like Aunt Kristy. I got the idea for the truce after watching them start a scuffle over a dart game in the hotel bar. One second they’re gripping each other up, the next they’re all yelling, ‘It’s electric!’ and chanting for Jello shots. Once the fight breaks out, all you can really do is douse them with holy water or blast ‘Sweet Caroline’ and hope that attracts their attention.”
Patchwork peacekeeping forces of mutual friends, wedding staff, and people just trying to enjoy their day have worked tirelessly to ensure the agreement’s fidelity. Despite these efforts neutral parties, chatter at the venue suggests the peace is unlikely to last beyond the established time frame.
“I’m going to absolutely clobber Cindy if she keeps strutting around with all these demands like this event is all about her,” said the groom’s cousin Lisa Hildebrand of a bridesmaid. “I didn’t see you up there agreeing to any vows, Cindy, so why don’t you wait in line for a drink like the rest of us, sweetie? She had better hope the ‘Cupid Shuffle’ goes right into the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ to buy her some more time. Else she got about a three-minute warning before I pop her one.”
Wedding sources confirmed that Mrs. Hildebrand has made disparaging comments of varying intensity towards members of the wedding party. Nonetheless, the 32-year-old emphasized that she intends to respect the terms of the agreement in their entirety.
“Rules is rules,” she said, draining a Rum and Coke. “We said no hair and nothing in the face, and I stand by that. Cindy and I are both single and, lady to lady, I respect her goal to end up in a different hotel room tonight. I just don’t respect a single other goddamn thing about her.”
Event sources report that several members of each side hope to finalize an extension to the armistice while the more violence-prone dissenters are in the bathroom vomiting liquor and cookies. Witnesses have confirmed, however, that the latter contingent is rallying quickly after hearing the piano intro to ‘Don’t Stop Believin’.’
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