CRAFTON—Local man Brad Gartner wore a Terry Bradshaw jersey to his niece’s wedding ceremony yesterday under the belief that the garment qualified as formal wear appropriate for the event.
“I get that Uncle Brad is really excited about the Steelers’ chances this year, now that, as he says, ‘the prodigal son’ Mike McCarthy is coach,” his niece Casey Marsh said. “But I just needed him to show up in an ill-fitting sports coat with some shitty tropics-themed tie like he always does. It’s going to take forever for the photographer to edit [the jersey] out of the family photos. I swear to Christ if that loosely packaged gift wrapped in official team wrapping paper is yet another jersey, I’m not coming to his house for Thanksgiving ever again.”
Wedding guests noted that Gartner may have compromised the wedding with several different attempts to intermix the event with football. Several members of the wedding party were forced to return their hotel room early after witnesses noticed them trying his “black-and-gold homemade moonshine.” Gartner then reportedly spent the last hour of the reception “pulling off some Game of Thrones kind of shit” in an attempt to obtain a competitive advantage in the family’s fantasy league.
As of press time, Gartner was reportedly embroiled in arguments with fellow attendees at a wake, insisting his Lemieux jersey was not a sign of disrespect because “it has the fight straps in it.”
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