PPG PAINTS ARENA — Mike Lange thanked fans last night for their support over his 45 years of broadcasting with a touching series of sayings that objectively made no sense whatsoever, according to sources pretty sure “the cat better jump out the cradle because, baby, the chicken coop is burning” is a good thing.

“You can hear the love in his voice,” said fan Brad Duncan of the pregame ceremony. “Nothing makes fans feel better than hearing that its their shift in the lighthouse that paints the fire engine red — nothing. In fact, we should be telling our kids that more often.”

According to Dawn Lutz of Green Tree, Pittsburgh counts itself among those “few special places” where such a connection as that between Mr. Lange and the community can form.

“In all the towns I’ve seen,” she said, having traveled on multiple occasions as far as Cleveland, Ohio and Ocean City, Maryland, “only in Pittsburgh do you find that special bond between the ‘hatchets sharper than cotton’ of the world and ‘the hunter who wears aquamarine.’ It’s a testament to the way this city, as Mikey [Lange] said, dyes the red carpet green to keep the bushes from get lonely.”

Broadcasters for the city’s other sports franchises made cameos throughout the night to congratulate the Hall-of-Famer, including Steelers radio announcer Bill Hillgrove, who applauded Lange with a set of particularly moving warning signs for dementia.