PITTSBURGH — Penguins winger Jake Guentzel is reportedly panicking after having spent the entirety of quarantine consuming solely his signature milkshake from the Milkshake Factory instead of preparing for the 24-team conclusion to the 2020 NHL season as agreed on today.
“I wasn’t supposed to be back in time,” said a frantic Guentzel, hurriedly approaching an elliptical machine before a fit of dry heaves stopped him. “Jesus, what do I do? I guess start with something easy like jumping jacks, maybe. OK…one…two — oh God, I think I’m going to vomit chocolate sauce.”
As of press time, Sidney Crosby had allegedly agreed to come help Guentzel after finishing a plank exercise that he first started in March.
