(Article by John Danek, @jjdanek)
PRAGUE — Pittsburgh-based globetrotter Ian Pataki has developed a simple method for determining his favorite and least favorite foreign countries to visit.
“From the moment I walk off the plane into the airport, a mental timer starts ticking: if I get one ‘Go Steelers!’ within 15 minutes, I already know we’re working with gold,” said Pataki, who started traveling after the feds closed in on his counterfeit Primanti Bros sandwich racket. “And then I keep track of the totals on my phone using an app I had developed called ‘GoSteelers!’ I’m working on a book to share my findings. Finally, a guide to travel with relevant criteria.”
“In my six years visiting foreign countries, I’ve learned a few things. Japan? Must be a bunch of Ravens fans. No one shouted any support at me the whole time. The bastards…” continued Pataki, whose travel book will be published by his own company, Fire Tomlin Publishing. “But I tell you what: Zambia is absolutely badass. I think they got all the Steelers’ Super Bowl XLV Champions merch from 2011, so they’re huge fans. You can’t step outside without someone yelling at you. It’s just like being on the South Side.”
Local travel agent Stephanie Schott has begun incorporating Pataki’s methods into her work with clients.
“I used to factor in things like safety, weather, history, blah blah blah,” explained Schott from her Homestead storefront. “Ever since I started suggesting destinations based on how likely it is for my customer to hear ‘GO STEELERS! FUCK THE RAVENS!’, I started seeing better Yelp reviews and more repeat business.”
Those in the international community have begun to cater towards the incoming Yinzer tourist population.
“Not many Americans know this, but most countries have been in communication with each other to educate our citizens on what to do when they see someone in black and gold,” explained French president Emmanuel Macron. “We instruct the people to yell ‘HERE WE GO STEELERS HERE WE GO’, otherwise the Pittsburgh resident is likely to get drunk and violent. We’ve seen wonderful results thus far.”
Pataki is already planning two sequels to his travel books, in which he will rank foreign countries while wearing Penguins and Pirates jerseys respectively.
