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ROSS TOWNSHIP—Spirited little man and incessant talker Riley Something or Other continues, despite all objections and inquiries about who is supposed to be supervising him, to go on about his “lifelong dream” to reside permanently inside the Ross Park Mall Cheesecake Factory, according to witnesses who just want to stop at Foot Locker.
Parental sources at the scene appeared unavailable as the self-identified nine-year-old boy assailed passersby with details of his plan and singular life goal to make home in the nearby chain restaurant.
“I’ll make money from ads on my YouTube channel about how I live in a Cheesecake Factory,” said the unrelenting menace, ignoring the typically alluring call of children having fun in the play area to enter a power struggle with any adult willing to challenge his sugar-laden machinations. “I can eat the food people leave behind and I’ll sleep in one of the booths!”
Suggestions that content-driven revenue streams are too meager to survive on and that eating strangers’ leftovers presents an array of personal and commercial health issues were quickly redirected by this little shit into attacks on critics’ appearance, tone of voice, and age.
“That’s because you’re old and nobody cares what you think,” shouted the diminutive bastard, leading a communal chant of “OLD! OLD! OLD!” with the help of a few other kids nearby.
At the time of print, previously annoyed sources had reportedly become more amenable to the proposed living arrangement following the young man’s offer of free cheesecake for life to watch him go down the slide.
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