Insisting he has “grown a lot,” Mount Washington resident Mark Dwyer, 31, has begun to deflect blame ahead of time for the mental deterioration and violent mood swings he anticipates experiencing during the 2019 NHL playoffs.
“I have seen the emotional suffering and, as social media posts remind me, very real property damage my outbursts cause,” Dwyer reportedly sent in a mass text around noon. “So I’ll say it now: my destroying your end table will not have been an act of malice, but of unyielding passion when our beloved Penguins are far too careless in the neutral zone with the puck, and I would like to apologize now on their behalf for making me behave in such a way.”
As the message continued, sources say Dwyer then expressed regret “that some assholes will probably force [him] to start” obscenity-filled tirades and fistfights. He also allegedly excused himself for incidents from the year prior.
“I’m a mature version of myself this year,” he contended. “That’s why I’m here, like a man, to tell you now how awful I feel already about having to start a fire in your den because some idiot forward of ours takes a bad offensive zone penalty. As for that kitchenette I burned down last year — we all know that if Matt Murray could cover the goddamn near post, none of that would have ever happened.”
Although not entirely persuaded, some members of Dwyer’s social circle called his precautionary apology “progress.”
“At least now we have visual evidence that he’s aware of his own erratic meltdowns,” said friend Andy Larkin, who created a separate room equipped with cheap second-hand furniture and electronics for Dwyer to watch games alone in. “Last year, he cooked up some phony dissociative psychosis called ‘Pens-Suck-Assism,’ and the year prior, he spent thousands of dollars on a forensic scientist futilely attempting to prove that it couldn’t have been him who threw that keg through my guest bedroom window. So, honestly, I’ll take what I can get with him.”
Learning from his friend’s forethought, Larkin has reportedly started rationalizing to his wife in advance why they should let Dwyer cry on their couch for a week, should the Penguins be eliminated.
