PITTSBURGH — Facing “insurmountable financial hardship,” a local Catholic parish altered today’s Easter homily to focus on less traditional canon of Jesus’s resurrection in favor of emphasizing how he “absolutely raked in the big bucks from the comfort his of grave” by using FanDuel.com, according to sources praying for pointers on today’s slate of MLB games.
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FINEVIEW — A Mason Rudolph jersey received as a joke gift at a 2019 holiday party now qualifies as North Side resident Dave Grimm’s “absolutely most prized” belonging, according to sources whispering kind words to the piece of apparel for the last hour.
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Local country fan Taylor Winters recovered from a several-year alcoholic haze spanning back to the 2018 Kenny Chesney show just in time this afternoon to have Heinz Field staff deny him entry to today’s concert due to excessive intoxication, sources relieved he appears to be breathing confirmed.
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A severe shitstorm of country music and excessive binge-drinking will develop over the Pittsburgh region this Saturday, expected to bring with it flood-like volumes of garbage, a barrage of limp bodies crashing into one another or the pavement, and significant damage to the area’s dignity, members of the National Weather Service warned this morning.
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SHADYSIDE — Despite treacherous conditions, local resident Mitch Hiler has reportedly decided he will undertake “any risk whatsoever” to make certain an Instacart employee manages to reach his home with suitable quantities of milk and bread to last the remaining inclement weather.
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Christmas miracles are real. Just ask the Schneider family.
Already doubting how Santa could make presents for kids around the world and deliver them all in one night, the Schneider’s four kids were understandably skeptical when their father, Doug, insisted they leave Santa an entire case of Iron City beer to “wet his whistle” during his stop in their Shaler home.
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The Little Italy Days festival — the annual event that sprawls across Liberty Ave. is beloved by some and loathed by others, but one thing is for certain: we missed pretty much all of it because we were absolutely toasted at Nico’s Recovery Room for its entire duration. Even spent Saturday into Sunday sleeping there under one of the booth tables. Seriously, they either missed us or just figured it was easier to let us be than to coax some tequila-saturated snoozers elsewhere. Anyway, here are three so-so hot takes we honestly just kind of stitched together from social media after we had assured friends and family that we were OK.
#1: The people were great.
Personally, we loved everybody we encountered throughout the weekend. Was it because they were enabling our reckless bets of rounds of liquor on sporting events we know nothing about? Maybe, but that doesn’t change just how great it was to talk to Patti and Bill and Shawn and Lisa and, well, we’re still looking through our camera roll and messages from unsaved numbers to identify the rest.
Guess some people had some bad interactions, too, though, so that sucks.
#2: The food vendors keep getting — we don’t know; what’s the better play here — worse? Sure, let’s go with that.
We bet they had a lot of those generic carnival food vendors, didn’t they? Ones that sell, like, 10 different ethnic classics, but none of them taste all that good? At least that’s what it looked like on Twitter.
Oh, we also saw the Italian gyros. What the hell? But for real, we were just BLITZED like hell by early afternoon, so we would’ve eaten the ass off a skunk and we could do worse than a pandering gyro stand.
People at Angelo’s are just lucky one of us skinned their knee on the way there — and vomited three or four times, but that’s correlation, not causation — or we would’ve run that place out of gnocchi and garlic knots for a month.
***
Listen, we really dropped the ball on this and we’re sorry. If it’s any consolation, we are still hungover and this draft is being finished in a hoodie, with a cold compress, hopelessly sunken into the couch while we blare season 5 of ‘The Simpsons’ on repeat.
We’ll do better next year, and if anybody hears from the one of us who ended up leaving to go to Lou’s, please alert emergency services immediately; they’re about to call off the search.
(By @jjdanek)
BLOOMFIELD — Local Italian-American Jimmy Rossetti attended Little Italy Days’ opening night donned in his Italy soccer jersey, heavily exaggerating his “otherwise mild” Italian accent, and chain-smoking $2 convenience-store cigars, lest friends and passersby mistake his heritage for that of a neighboring European country, according to sources assuring him they’ve learned to swear in Italian enough for one day.
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BALDWIN — Middle school history teacher Paul Middleford reminded his summer school students this morning that there will be no pizza party to celebrate the end of their post-year program until they’ve completed the “critical” unit on WWE’s 1998 Hell in a Cell event held in Pittsburgh, according to exasperated sources filling in blank quotes from Jim Ross.
“It’s like, we get it, Mr. M,” said eighth-grader Tony Adams. “I promise never to forget, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident,’ ‘I have a dream,’ and ‘As God is my witness, he is broken in half.’ We brought enough thumbtacks for the life-size model you wanted, can we just have some Pepsi and a half slice of greasy pizza now?”
As of press time, the class was reportedly groaning as Middleford requested a volunteer to wear the cowboy hat “just one last time.”
Don’t move a muscle, young man! Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. I can’t tell other people’s kids what to do, but so long as you live under my roof, you’ve got to follow my rules, understood? And I’ll tell you what: I’ll be cold and dead in the ground before I ever—ever—let any flesh and blood of mine be caught at a Pride parade in that disgraceful blue and silver of the Dallas Cowboys. I’m just glad your mother isn’t home to see this.
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