Category: Current Events (Page 11 of 12)

Several hundred gun advocates gathered in Downtown Pittsburgh yesterday to protest the city’s intent to use the “unspeakable evil” of common sense in proposing modest gun control, according to sources who weren’t exactly sure what those proposals were.

Celebrating increased revenue from sports betting, Pirates owner Bob Nutting allegedly “went wild” last night at Rivers Casino, wagering a “hefty” $4 that the franchise would make the playoffs this season.

An invasion of crystallized monstrosities meant to wreak unspeakable misery upon humankind, also known as snow, has befallen Pittsburgh, making the city an impassable hellscape that no man or woman should dare try to navigate, eyewitness reports confirm.

Local trick-or-treaters and those watching after them be warned: Pittsburgh police and law enforcement in numerous surrounding areas and townships have issued an advisory that certain persons may be inserting priceless family items into kids’ Halloween candy, making it dangerous, if not deadly, to ingest.

The Senate Judiciary Committee has called on Pirates GM Neal Huntington to provide his expert testimony in the field of lying. 

Local German house band Bahnhof (‘train station’) has already completed its entire setlist seven minutes into the Oktoberfest event for which it is commissioned to play three hours, according to distressed sources in Lederhosen.

Recent ads commissioned by the Post-Gazette indicate the start of the publication’s long-term plan to transition from being a shitty print newspaper to a shitty digital newspaper, Block Communications chairman Allan Block confirmed today.