SWISSVALE — Local woman Cindy ‘Cinderella’ Dobson has expressed her fear to fellow bar patrons that she will “make an idiot” of herself and turn back to her “boring, normal,” sober state of being as soon as the state’s on-site drinking ban goes into effect at 5 p.m. today.
Continue readingCategory: Current Events (Page 3 of 12)
NORTH SIDE — Former Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl once again voted for himself as a write-in candidate on every ballot in today’s general elections, according to polling place sources who insisted he didn’t have to keep telling anybody nearby.
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FOX CHAPEL — Local mom Randi McCarthy surprised any trick-or-treaters from nearby Sharpsburg who visited her home this weekend by specifically “gifting” them a king-size copy of Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged’ in lieu of candy, according to elementary school sources unsure what to do with it.
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BROOKLINE — Local man Ryan Woodward, 46, has campaigned heavily around the neighborhood this week to ensure that trick-or-treaters only take as many cans of beer as they feel capable of drinking from the two 30-packs of IC Light he intends to leave on his steps Saturday evening, according to sources glad they “did the right the thing.”
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GREEN TREE — KDKA Radio Morning Show host Larry Richert has faced difficulty meeting the station’s request that he “squeeze a little” QAnon talking point into his live reads for King’s Family Restaurants to make up for missing content from since-fired Wendy Bell, according to sources unsure how to segue from purported pedophilia rings to chicken noodle soup.
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SHADYSIDE — Local resident Mike Fuller hopes “absolute fucking legend” and Mt. Lebanon native Mark Cuban can still save his marriage, even though the billionaire was unable to outbid an offer from mid-sized Mero Restaurant Group to save Oakland mainstay Original Hot Dog Shop.
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The Heinz Kraft Company plans to release a pumpkin ketchup in the Pittsburgh area because “fuck you, you’re going to buy this bottled viscous shit, aren’t you?”, representatives at the food giant bet today.
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PENN TOWNSHIP — Local dive regular Lou Parker has begun looking “dangerously well and high-spirited” since Covid-19 restrictions have forced him to eat between orders of light beer and shots of Imperial whiskey, concerned sources report.
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The PIAA’s announcement to carry on with its fall sports schedule as planned has excited residents throughout the Greater Pittsburgh Area. In the current environment, however, it’ll be hard for parents to interact in ways that feel meaningful. That’s why we’ve tested three popular video call apps to let you know how you might best tell your kid’s fall sports coach that they’re a useless sack of shit who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
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MECHANICSBURG — Despite virus concerns, local dad Bill Meyers petitioned the PIAA yesterday to follow through with the state’s high school football schedule as planned for fear that canceling the season would deny kids a year of brain injuries “that would last a lifetime,” according to sources currently demanding his freshman son start at varsity QB.
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