POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
Continue readingCategory: Current Events (Page 6 of 12)
Oh my God, did you hear?! The O, an absolute legend for Pitt students and grads like me, is closing! It’s so sad that I might start crying. I mean, yeah, I would never go in there and actually buy food or anything, but I still didn’t want it to, like, shut down for good.
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OAKLAND — In a touching display, a mourner set a half-empty 40 of malt liquor and pile of grease-laden french fries on the Original Hot Dog Shop’s doorstep as a memorial to the now-closed eatery.
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*IMPORTANT NOTE FROM THE EDITOR* — UPDATED 5/21
Thank you dearly for actually reading this article before sharing it. When this post was published in April, it was purely satire. Now, Mark Cuban is, evidently, trying to buy the O. To that, the editorial board simply says this: LET’S GO, JAGOFF; TIME TO PROVE US WRONG OR LET THIS ARTICLE LIVE IN PERPETUAL GLORY UNTIL THE END OF DAYS.
OAKLAND — Pittsburgh-born mogul Mark Cuban announced today that he will invest in The Original Hot Dog Shop to save it from financial ruin, precisely as he did with the Pirates and Penguins franchises.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Mrs. T’s Pierogies announced yesterday that the company will release new potato and cheddar face masks available immediately in grocery chains throughout the region.
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FREEDOM — Local mother Nina Mosesso cautioned her kids this morning to clean their room or else she would march up there and, “as God is [her] witness,” administer the Pennsylvania System of School Assessment exams as punishment, sources hurriedly putting stuff away to avoid algebra confirmed.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — The Grim Reaper implored new intern Wendy Bell to “take it easy with the scythe” after witnessing her enthusiasm in reaping souls of the region’s seniors, according to sources wishing they had never transitioned her from the practice scythe.
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STRIP DISTRICT — Small-batch craft whiskey producer Ye Olde Tyme Distillery intends to help combat the Coronavirus by offering jelly jars of “high-quality, artistically refined” hand sanitizer for $30 per unit, company sources revealed this morning.
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Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
CLEVELAND — Some total jag Browns fan unsurprisingly also likes that gross-ass Hunt’s ketchup, according to sources who probably love other terrible stuff, too.
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Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
HELL — Our jag mayor Bill Peduto reportedly sold his soul to Satan this morning for more of them dumb bike lanes that are gonna clog up them roads people just wanna drive fast on.
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