PITTSBURGH — Officials at the Allegheny County Health Department issued an “urgent reminder” this morning for Sheetz customers to wash their hands thoroughly after they leave a smear of shit on the seat in one of the chain’s numerous locations in the region.
Continue readingCategory: Current Events (Page 8 of 12)
PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — In light of rising temperatures and unrelenting downpours, residents in the region have started transitioning to the latest spring trends in the seasonal affective disorder cycle, sources wishing they had just stayed home confirm.
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MUNHALL — Insisting he’s had enough for a whole family, local man Rudy Geller couldn’t “even think about” getting any more commitment to Christ at a local fish fry this afternoon, the 52-year-old recently confirmed.
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MOUNT WASHINGTON — Hoping to avoid “looking cliche,” 79 guys lingering near the Grandview Overlook on Mt. Washington with their girlfriend reportedly plan to continue doing so until somebody else proposes first.
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BROOKLINE — Vehement racist Jack Waldermann “can’t wait” for his chance to explain to video maker Dean Bog how his neighborhood “is like one big, loving family,” the 51-year-old reported Sunday between thinly-veiled euphemisms for his incredible level of prejudice.
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EASTON, N.J. — Weather around Pittsburgh on Christmas Eve and Day inspired crayon institution Crayola to create its latest shade of “uniquely depressing” gray, representatives at the company announced this morning.
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Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2019! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below!
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Calling the move “the beginning of the end of climate change,” representatives of Giant Eagle announced today the company will phase out its one-item-per-bag policy to allow as many as two items per bag.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Thrift store chain Goodwill reminded potential donors around Southwestern Pennsylvania this morning that their stores cannot accept torn clothing, inoperable appliances and electronics, or Mason Rudolph jerseys, according to sources who haven’t “seen this kind of mayhem since the great O’Donnell purge of 1996.”
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DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH — A local judge issued introverted felon Seth Larson a sentence this morning of up to nine minutes in person at this Friday’s Light Up Night, aghast sources barely managed to confirm before fainting.
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