HARRISBURG — Having just realized Pennsylvania beer distributors were permitted to stay open, Pittsburgh resident Clint Price reportedly has “not a damn clue” what he is supposed to do with the lit Molotov Cocktail he intended to throw at the state capitol building.
Continue readingCategory: Current Events (Page 8 of 12)
Whether self-imposed or government-enforced, this quarantining business is changing facets of life Pittsbughers value most. Chuck’s managed to deal with it so far…in a fashion.
As a guy from State College, I’ve seen the extreme ends of convenience store loyalty. Parties I’ve gone to have nearly burst into all-out civil war at the suggestion that Sheetz or Wawa puts together a superior Nacho Grande to the other.
Now, finally, I think I’ve helped settle this age-old battle once for all.
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TAMPA BAY, Fla. — After decades of conflict, “unlikable geezer” Tom Brady finally moved away to Florida, according to local sources pounding celebratory shots of Imperial alone in their kitchen.
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PITTSBURGH — The NHL announced this afternoon it will suspend the regular season due to the Coronavirus, reportedly crushing local dad Michael Hupp’s plans to take his kids to their first Pens game before insisting they leave to beat traffic halfway in.
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SOUTH SIDE — With the cancellation of the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, South Side-based bro Bryce Gardner assumes he will abandon plans to become extraordinarily intoxicated and only get “normal extra fucked up” instead.
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Kennywood Park will work alongside the Pittsburgh Pirates to construct a new Pirates-themed roller coaster that consists of one uninterrupted precipitous drop, the park announced today.
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PITTSBURGH — Officials at the Allegheny County Health Department issued an “urgent reminder” this morning for Sheetz customers to wash their hands thoroughly after they leave a smear of shit on the seat in one of the chain’s numerous locations in the region.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — In light of rising temperatures and unrelenting downpours, residents in the region have started transitioning to the latest spring trends in the seasonal affective disorder cycle, sources wishing they had just stayed home confirm.
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MUNHALL — Insisting he’s had enough for a whole family, local man Rudy Geller couldn’t “even think about” getting any more commitment to Christ at a local fish fry this afternoon, the 52-year-old recently confirmed.
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