BROOKLINE — Vehement racist Jack Waldermann “can’t wait” for his chance to explain to video maker Dean Bog how his neighborhood “is like one big, loving family,” the 51-year-old reported Sunday between thinly-veiled euphemisms for his incredible level of prejudice.
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Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2019! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below!
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STRIP DISTRICT — Local woman Nicole Steadman is reportedly waiting to ask a vendor in the Strip District if they have their ‘Fuck Tom Brady’ T-shirt in kids sizes after determining it to be the ideal Christmas gift for her seven-year-old niece.
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BLOOMFIELD — Italians from around the region came together over the weekend to celebrate Christopher Columbus’ “noble mission” of convincing natives of the lands he visited to believe that Caliente’s Mee-Maw is in fact the “one true” pizza in America.
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BIGELOW BOULEVARD — “Some complete fucking idiot” actually obeyed the posted speed limit of 35 mph on Bigelow Boulevard this morning, sources who couldn’t believe this shit report.
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OAKLAND — Citing concerns for public disruption and safety, South and North Oakland residents have jointly renewed their petition to cull the area’s overgrown freshmen population now during its prime migration period, neighborhood sources confirmed today.
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BLOOMFIELD — Little Italy Days visitor Paul Hillman reportedly looks most forward to trying the “authentically Italian” collision coverage offered by State Farm.
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GREATER PITTSBURGH AREA — Suburban police departments throughout the area have recently commissioned B-2 bombers retired by the U.S. military in an effort to safeguard officers and residents from particularly threatening traffic, parking, and other ordinance violations, according to sources licking their lips as they slowly fondle the ‘deploy’ button.
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SHADYSIDE — Former South Side resident and insufferable fuckboy Tom Keefe decided he is ready to “grow up” and embrace his next stage of life as a Shadyside-based fuckboy, the 25-year-old confirmed between posts on Snapchat and Instagram of his “sick” studio apartment.
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Mt. Washington resident and “pure-bred Irish sweet talker” Mac Moore managed to charm his way into a disorderly conduct charge this morning during the city’s St. Patrick’s Day celebration, astounded friends of the 33-year-old confirmed.
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