Category: Neighborhoods (Page 2 of 3)

Local Neighborhood Proudly Announces It Free of COVID-19, Diversity

June 5, 2020 / Chuck Kowalski

UPPER SAINT CLAIR — Upon entering the state’s green phase, members of Upper St. Clair residential plan Whisper Hollow announced this morning that their collective efforts have ensured the neighborhood “contains not a single trace” of COVID-19 or persons who in any identifiable way deviate from the norm.

Failing Economy? Only 12 New Craft Breweries to Open This Week

May 14, 2020 / Chuck Kowalski

PITTSBURGH — Is the local economy collapsing? Researchers suggest it may be after another week of uncertainty forced only a dozen new craft breweries to open in the area, marking a substantial drop from the 39 that opened over the same period last week.

Opinion: Just Because I’d Never Set Foot in the O Doesn’t Mean I Wanted It to, Like, Close Forever

April 20, 2020 / Chuck Kowalski

Oh my God, did you hear?! The O, an absolute legend for Pitt students and grads like me, is closing! It’s so sad that I might start crying. I mean, yeah, I would never go in there and actually buy food or anything, but I still didn’t want it to, like, shut down for good.

Mourner Leaves 40 and Pile of Greasy-Ass Fries on O Doorstep

April 19, 2020 / Chuck Kowalski

OAKLAND — In a touching display, a mourner set a half-empty 40 of malt liquor and pile of grease-laden french fries on the Original Hot Dog Shop’s doorstep as a memorial to the now-closed eatery.

Heartwarming! Property Poacher Mauled by Woman He Was Targeting

April 6, 2020 / Chuck Kowalski

HAZELWOOD — The local community celebrated today after discovering property poacher Rick Gilmour mauled to death by the very woman whose home he was targeting to flip and rent at more than twice the average rate in the area, sources kicking the body “for good measure” confirm.

Yinzer Guy Fieri Only Goes to Dives

March 2, 2020 / Chuck Kowalski

WEST VIEW — Lifelong resident and Guy Fieri lookalike Griff Ferrani has reportedly started a new YouTube series mimicking “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” in which he forgoes eateries to visit exclusively local dive bars.

79 Dudes on Mt. Washington With Girlfriend Waiting for Somebody Else to Propose First

February 14, 2020 / Chuck Kowalski

MOUNT WASHINGTON — Hoping to avoid “looking cliche,” 79 guys lingering near the Grandview Overlook on Mt. Washington with their girlfriend reportedly plan to continue doing so until somebody else proposes first.

Massive Racist Can’t Wait to Tell Dean Bog How Neighborhood Like One Big Happy Family

January 20, 2020 / Chuck Kowalski

BROOKLINE — Vehement racist Jack Waldermann “can’t wait” for his chance to explain to video maker Dean Bog how his neighborhood “is like one big, loving family,” the 51-year-old reported Sunday between thinly-veiled euphemisms for his incredible level of prejudice.

Santa Tracker 2019: See What That Fat Bastard’s Been Doing All Night

December 25, 2019 / Chuck Kowalski

Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2019! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below!

Local Woman Wants to Know If ‘Fuck Tom Brady’ Shirt Comes in Kids Sizes

December 23, 2019 / Chuck Kowalski

STRIP DISTRICT — Local woman Nicole Steadman is reportedly waiting to ask a vendor in the Strip District if they have their ‘Fuck Tom Brady’ T-shirt in kids sizes after determining it to be the ideal Christmas gift for her seven-year-old niece.