ROSS TOWNSHIP — Pittsburgh-based “financial whiz” Drew McCarthy’s only suggestion to clients has been to “invest” in numerous plays of his wife’s birthday in the Pennsylvania Lottery PICK 4 drawing, frustrated sources with beer spilled all over printouts of their 401k projections confirm.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 11 of 20)
Listen, Jesus died for our sins. God’s only son sacrificed himself yadda yadda yadda — you know the deal. Anyway, letting him die on the cross to absolve us of our misgivings only not to have any would kind of be a dick move, right? Of course it would; I’m glad we’re on the same page.
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OAKLAND — No investor, staff member, or anyone associated with Arby’s has “an inkling of a goddamn clue” how one of its franchises managed to fit into the Bridge on Forbes luxury apartment building near Pitt campus, confused sources report.
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NEW YORK — Rangers GM Jeff Gorton contacted junior star Alexis Lafrenière this morning to discuss the team’s plan to select him first overall and their preference that he “fit the team model” by showing up at training camp having aged 16 years and with no apparent desire to keep playing hockey, the club recently confirmed.
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SWISSVALE — Local “booze expert” Harry Gibson suggested guests at a dinner party he attended this weekend would best complement their herb chicken entree with an “ice cold, well-aged” can of Lionshead beer he grabbed from the back of his fridge, according to sources still trying to get the smell out of the glassware.
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ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Pirates play-by-play announcer Greg Brown has already changed into an alternate pair of khakis during the team’s season-opening broadcast after “absolutely whitewashing” the first pair in cum from excessive excitement for baseball’s return, team sources hurriedly driving to a Target to buy more confirm.
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NORTH SHORE — Pirates owner and billionaire Bob Nutting greeted the Blue Jays organization today by including in each hotel room two coupons for a free appetizer on any otherwise full-priced stay at Seven Springs, sources who would’ve just been happy with a handshake confirm.
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Whoa whoa whoa — where do you think you’re going there, bud? Absolutely not. I can’t be letting you in wearing a shirt like that. This is a bar that knowingly defies all state regulations designed to protect people during a pandemic, not fashion anarchy.
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MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Myrtle Beach’s emergence as a COVID-19 hot spot has rendered the annual Sarcinelli family vacation “even more life-threatening than usual,” sources riding a go-kart blindfolded with a case of Keystone Light confirm.
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