Category: Nonsense (Page 12 of 20)

HAYS — “Community hero” Kevin Wilson punched through a car window yesterday to rescue a 30-pack of Iron City left in the backseat that would’ve otherwise turned “so warm you might only be able to stomach three or four of them,” according to sources hoping to pass a local ordinance to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

SOUTH BEND, Ind. — In light of the NCAA’s announcement decrying displays of the Confederate flag, administrators at Catholic-based Notre Dame expressed relief this morning that their university carries “totally no long-term connections whatsoever, now or ever” to any institution of disrepute, sources shaking their head repeatedly saying “nope” confirm.

Well, they’re closing a bunch of them JCPenney’s, so let’s hit that up for some good deals. The fuck you mean I’m saying it wrong? We’re talking about that same shitty store in the mall with all the discounts and sales, right?

PENN HILLS — Turner Dairy Farms announced today they will add a “sucrose-infused, high-performance sports beverage” to their line of commercial tea products.

FOREST HILLS — KDKA viewers expressed their outrage this morning after new reporter Hannibal Lecter wore his state-mandated muzzle to a scene where he led police to buried human remains even though nobody was near enough for him to infect with COVID-19 or brutally murder.

“I’d like Mr. Lecter to give me the FACTS, not spread irrational fear,” said Facebook user Debbie Thurston in a comment on his report. “Also, don’t think I missed the subtle way he repeatedly licks his lips and says ‘delicious’ between sentences to make sure we keep looking at his face. KDKA obviously just cares more about scaring viewers than whatever this report was about. Honestly, I was so furious I didn’t get the chance to watch the story at all.”

As of press time, more viewers were reportedly posting their dismay on social media after photos surfaced of Lecter still wearing the muzzle in his car, even though he had stuffed the other person a safe distance away in the trunk.

DALLAS — Leaked, “off-the-record” segments of Pat McAfee’s interview with Mark Cuban reveal that the Mt. Lebanon native — who also owns the Pirates, Penguins, and Essie’s Original Hot Dog Shop, has started scripting a new ending to ‘Game of Thrones,’ and single-handedly saved Pennsylvania’s economy — is preparing to go back in time and assassinate Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, just like he did with Soviet despot Joseph Stalin, thus sparing the country from his brutal reign and setting it on a path to become the capitalist utopia America Jr. as we know it today.

HEMPFIELD — Baseball dad Bill Mortimer attended a Zoom meeting with his son’s coach yesterday wearing his wraparound sunglasses and menacingly striking the palm of his left hand with a fist, according to sources who had to insist repeatedly that they needn’t discuss matters in a parking lot over a few Miller High Lifes and a “wad of dip.”