DORMONT — Castle Shannon mother Darcy Brooks reportedly vocalized her outrage this morning after discovering a neighborhood breakfast spot offered alternative-brand condiments instead of supporting “everybody’s hometown favorite” $26.2-billion manufactured food corporation, the Kraft Heinz Company.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 16 of 19)
NEW YORK — Baldwin resident Rick Balaski hosted a TED Talk yesterday, in which he contended that the stretches of intense warmth affecting places like Pittsburgh are more the result of humidity levels than “the heat all by itself.”
Continue reading
FINLEYVILLE — Independent meme farmer Butch Muller, 36, anticipates he will have to cease operations after his crucial Phil Kessel crop was ruined by the winger’s trade to Arizona.
Continue reading
Report: Pittsburgh to Become One Giant Luxury Apartment Complex by 2021
OAKLAND — Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh warned this morning that continual unabated commercial real estate development could result in the city becoming one massive luxury apartment complex by sometime in 2021.
Continue reading
BOSTON — “Oppressed and outraged” Boston Bruins fans intend to host their own championship parade in response to the St. Louis Stanley Cup championship parade that began today at noon, according to sources asking passersby “what the fuck [they’re] looking at.”
Continue reading
Emboldened by a petition to remake the final season of Game of Thrones with new writers, a group of Steelers fans has launched a petition demanding the NFL let the team re-play its 2018-2019 season with “competent coaches that don’t suck shit.”
Continue reading
The fine people at Millcraft are on a mission — not just to plant a 15-acre entertainment zone along the Ohio River, but also to make its environmental impact a little friendlier for whoever is left to live in the city.
You heard it right: the $700 million Esplanade project will be powered solely through the very renewable energy source of people leaving Pittsburgh. What foresight!
Continue reading
Admittedly “getting a little carried away,” food giant Kraft Heinz announced the release of their latest crossover that blends the best elements of ketchup and third-wave ska band Mustard Plug.
Continue reading
Whoa, come on, guys! Why the long faces? Yeah, I know, I know — the Penguins lost. Man, they really stunk up the joint, huh? But listen, before you start talking about disappointment this and underachieving that, let me hit you with a quick reminder: it’s not about the underwhelming destination, fellas; it’s about all the squandered hours, miserable hangovers, and thousands upon thousands of dollars you coughed up along the way.
Continue reading
When you prepare to start the grind that is the NHL playoffs, bad news is the last thing you want.
That’s what the Penguins got this morning, however, as top winger Jake Guentzel has reportedly consumed nothing over the last three days but his signature milkshake from The Milkshake Factory, potentially limiting his impact on tonight’s opening-round matchup against the New York Islanders.
Continue reading
