MARKET SQUARE — Upper St. Clair native Jaden Thompson, 30, spent yesterday emphasizing his “fierce dedication” to local brands and products, having mistaken his consumerism as a reflection of modest working-class values, according to sources hoping he won’t invite them back to Starbucks again.
“Jaden’s been pushing the yinzer self-narrative ever since he’s come into Bakery Square to take that systems analyst gig,” said co-worker Tim Bachmann. “I don’t he think he realizes the ‘412’ vanity plate on his Audi doesn’t do much when he tips people his 31 cents in change because ‘they didn’t even do that much.’ Honestly, I’ll just be happy if we can get him to stop asking, ‘What are yinz guys up to this weekend’ in that weirdly sterile tone of voice.”
“Also,” added Bachmann hurriedly, “if he asks me ‘Jeet jet?’ one more time, I’m going to punch him in the face.”
Other acquaintances of Thompson expressed equal confusion.
“I can’t tell if it’s serious or self-parody,” said former neighbor Tiara Walker. “He st ruts around in that ‘Keep Pittsburgh Shitty’ shirt, but won’t shut the hell up about ‘passive income.’ The ‘It’s Still Heinz Field to Me’ memes he posts are great and all, but maybe use that time to stop calling the city for our 71-year-old neighbor’s overgrown yard and help her handle it instead?”
Thompson used a request for comment to double-down on the source of his recently adopted identity.
“My kitchen speaks for itself,” he said, mentioning he hasn’t gone out to get his own groceries since 2018. “Mrs. T’s, Turner’s, Heinz — it’s all there. I might’ve grown up outside the city, but these blue-collar, black-and-gold habits go down hard, unlike this Yuengling, a beer truly made for a hard-working average Joe like myself.”
“Anyway, I’m pulling up DoorDash to get some Primanti’s,” he added with a smile. “Jeet jet?”
