SHADYSIDE — Calling it “the next big thing,” local fashion company Three Rivers Fash-Yinz unveiled their latest line of shirts this morning, which appeared nearly identical to double-XL giveaway T-shirt provided at professional sporting events.
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LAUSANNE, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee approved a new event this morning where competitors will have to heave a single reusable bag over their head full of every item you bought from your recent visit to the Strip, according to sources excited to “push the limits of human strength.”
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The Pens aren’t out of it yet! Here’s three simple ways the team can still pull out the series win that aren’t the wild, directionless plots of a fatigued, hungover maniac and 157 more that could help the team, but may also be a sign of playoff hockey-induced mental decline.
1. Get more traffic in front
2. Chip and chase early to back the Isles D out of the neutral zone
3. You’ve been the better team, so don’t overreact
4. Storm the arena control room and blast ‘Renegade’ all game long
5. The four most dangerous consecutive words in the English language: Jean—Claude—Van—Damme
6. Run the football
7. Fire Mike Tomlin
8. Travel in time and stop 9/11
9. Play Sonic 3 until you’ve disassociated enough from reality to convince yourself they’ve actually won the series / forget to re-engage with humanity
10. *incoherent screaming*
11. Give up and hope for pity
12. Dan Byls—hey, where are you going?
13. Chess deathmatch
14. Get Tristan Jarry a neat little Game of Thrones shirt that says, “That’s what I do: I give away the puck and know things,” so he knows we’re mad, but we still love him
15. Wouldn’t hurt to go for, like, a walk or something
16. Bionic Lemieux
17. *glass breaks* STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! THE RATTLESNAKE CHARGES THE RING AND HE’S MAD AS HELL!
18. Establish dominance on power play…with the air-to-surface superiority of the A-10 Warthog
19. Send erotic DBZ fan fiction to Islanders to distract the Islanders in disgust or excite the weird ones
20. Breathe in for luck
21. Breathe in so deep
22. This air is blessed
23. You share with me
24. This night is wild
25. So calm and dull
26. These hearts they race
27. From self-control
28. Your legs are smooth
29. As they graze mine
30. We’re doing fine
31. We’re doing nothing at all
32. My hopes are so high
33. That your kiss might kill me
34. So won’t you kill me
35. So I die happy
36. My heart is yours to fill or burst
37. To break or bury
38. Or wear as jewelry
39. Whichever you prefer
40. WWJWBD? (What Would John-Wilkes Booth Do?)
41. Assassinate Abraham Lincoln
42. Google “what if abraham lincoln never assassinated penguins 2021”
43. Trial by combat
44. Try up up down down left right left right A B start
45. Trial by Contra: Hard Corps
46. Start Isles playing Battletoads so they get to hard-as-shit tunnel part just as puck drops
47. Prayer?
48. Get three points off of Jeff Reed’s toe, here we go
49. Distract everybody in Long Isle who might go to a game by putting a Journey cover band outside
50. Honestly, maybe just some good ol’ fashioned death threats
51. Giiiiiant Eagle, so simple for you fe fi fo fum
52. Point to the Wrestlemania sign to buy yourself some time to regroup before the big PPV match-up
53. SKATE! SKATE! SKATE SKATE! SKATE! SKATE! SKATE SKATE SKATE SKATE! SKATE!
54. Give Tristan Jarry one of those cool, snappy hockey nicknames: Tristy? Trister? That could work…right?
55. Watch Mallrats again and get sad that cinema peaked for you in 1995
56. Just ask them politely to let you win; couldn’t hurt
57. Put fries on it
58. What if, just hear me out, we yell ‘Pass!’ instead?
59. Screw Flanders
60. Screw Flanders
61. Screw Flanders
62. Screw Flanders
63. Screw Flanders
64. Screw Flanders
65. Screw Flanders
66. Screw Flanders
67. Screw Flanders
68. Screw Flanders
69. nice
70. A new hobby instead of hockey, as our therapist suggests, might not be the worst idea
71. Ok…that’s it
72. We’re good — seriously
73. No issues here, nope; just a healthy relationship with hockey
74. Won’t see us acting out again — unless…
75-160. *sustained Ric Flair woo*
Logan Martin might be the most Pittsburgh baby you’ve ever heard of: the son of third-generation ‘Burghers, he was wrapped in a Terrible Towel at birth, loves finger-sized dollops of Heinz ketchup, and just last week got baptized as a Roman Catholic with water taken straight from the Monongahela!
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MON VALLEY — A 1999 Chevy Cavalier valued at $4 got its first $10 car wash of 2020 yesterday, according to sources insisting you can get rid of the cigarette smell by spraying the seats with heavy volumes of Axe body spray.
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CENTER — Beaver County junior Freddy Anderson’s crock pot of “Buffalo Pollo Dip” remains the odds-on favorite to capture his high school Cinco de Mayo party’s best dish award for an “unprecedented” third year, according to sources now chanting “Yo gusto queso.”
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GREENFIELD — Friends till the end, the saying goes, and decades-long buddies Mark Jablonski and Ralph Hale haven’t let busy lives, changing technology, or even a pandemic stop them from living this adage in full: no matter what’s going on in the world, these two still set aside time every week to chat face-to-face, typically right “in the middle of Beechwood goddamn Boulevard” when people who don’t have time to kill need to get to work.
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HAYS — Local “kink” Paul Hammerschmidt refuses to perform oral sex on a partner’s anal cavity with any aid other than Heinz ketchup, according to sources “absolutely disgusted” by the notion of using an alternative brand or condiment.
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SOUTH SIDE FLATS — 1,271-year-old leprechaun Donegal O’Shannassey, whose stature resembles that of a normal human due to gigantism, “has had enough” of heavily intoxicated St. Paddy’s revelers mistaking him for a fellow partier refusing to break character, according to sources insisting they would prefer to be left alone over an Irish Car Bomb.
“Aye, another year of suffering among this staggering collection of imbeciles,” said O’Shannassey, groaning as a 20-something patron in a “Fuck Me, I’m Irish” shirt posed with him for a selfie. “My kind is known for saying, ‘Don’t break your shin on a stool that’s not in your way,’ but I might break a glass in a human’s fucking face if they ask one more time about my ‘Lucky Charms.’ Suppose this is why Santa recommended I go out in a hoodie.”
The creature lamented that the holiday’s tendency for excess nullifies what makes his presence a worthwhile experience.
“In the old days, everybody had a charming tale about some wee craic they had with Donegal one March afternoon,” it said. “Now when I try to pull a harmless practical joke, some hare-brained, blithering meat sack nicknamed Dump Truck tries to pummel me into dust. Besides, how am I supposed to stir up mischief when I just watched a lad clog the bathroom sinks with paper towels and then vomit in each one of them? Mary and Joseph, I’m an eons-old prankster, not a monster.”
Several celebrants have complimented the ageless being’s demeanor and appearance, which they’ve mistaken for a carefully orchestrated act.
“That dude’s commitment is epic,” said bargoer Pete Haddad, oblivious that he was asking a millennium-old supernatural lifeform if it wanted a shot of Fireball. “He must’ve had to practice that voice for hours: I knocked him out a couple hours back with a rear naked choke and when he came to, he started cursing in, like, Yiddish or whatever without missing a beat. I’m still not convinced it isn’t my buddy Kevin, though.”
As of press time, sources report that O’Shannassey is hurriedly chugging a pint after a group of young men announced they plan to honor it with 39 consecutive jukebox plays of the “traditional Irish classic” ’Shipping Off to Boston’ by the Dropkick Murphys. ♣
PPG PAINTS ARENA — Data gathered from the Pens first home game with fans in attendance since last March indicate that face masks appear to offer spectators almost no protection from the “insufferable shitheads” who won’t stop yelling two rows up.
“Sure, the mask helps muffle it a bit from blowing out your eardrum,” said fan and impromptu researcher Mark Ford, “but otherwise the evidence suggests that neither hot air gathering in the fabric nor fatigue from time away seems capable of stopping this jagoff from wooing like Ric Flair or telling a player whose name he doesn’t know that he sucks.”
As of press time, the Pens were urged, “yet again,” to shoot the puck despite the game not having started.
