SOUTHWESTERN PENNSYLVANIA — The Kraft Heinz Company will be using the region as its primary test market for new 15.5-gallon ketchup kegs, the food conglomerate explained in a press release earlier today.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 7 of 17)
2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders “sincerely regrets” refusing a escort through the Fort Pitt Tunnel to commiserate with the struggles of “everyday Pittsburghers,” the frustrated 77-year-old reported from his second hour in Parkway West traffic on his way to a get-out-and-vote event this morning.”
Continue readingGREEN TREE — KDKA Radio Morning Show host Larry Richert has faced difficulty meeting the station’s request that he “squeeze a little” QAnon talking point into his live reads for King’s Family Restaurants to make up for missing content from since-fired Wendy Bell, according to sources unsure how to segue from purported pedophilia rings to chicken noodle soup.
Continue readingHarry Wilmoth, second generation: “And someday, my grandkids will experience the same joy of admitting that a season full of promise ending up in eight or nine wins is still miles better than a man with a crew cut who describes his offense in race car analogies.”
SHADYSIDE — Pittsburgh law firm Ferris, Ferris, Ferris and Klein faced controversy today for “a reckless disregard for commercialism,” reportedly avoiding obnoxious television and radio ads in favor of a tasteful brick and glass facade adorned with the firm’s name as the only indication that the reputable legal business even exists.
Continue readingSHADYSIDE — Local resident Mike Fuller hopes “absolute fucking legend” and Mt. Lebanon native Mark Cuban can still save his marriage, even though the billionaire was unable to outbid an offer from mid-sized Mero Restaurant Group to save Oakland mainstay Original Hot Dog Shop.
Continue readingI’ve gone too far this time. That’s it, I’m done for. Jesus, why am I such an idiot?
“You’ve done this a hundred times before; you just feel a little different,” I told myself. “Just blast the cold air right on you and you’ll be fine,” I said. “Nothing bad will happen to you. You’re too smart,” I insisted. Shows what I know. Please, honestly, I just need your help…ANY help.
You guessed it: I’m currently at Eat n’ Park and — dear God, I can’t believe I’m saying this right now — I’m stone sober.
Continue readingON A RAGING SEA BACK TO THE MEDITERRANEAN — The final cancellation of Little Italy Days has forced “100% full-blooded” Neapolitan kettle corn vendor Pepe Verratti to abandon his dream of serving the family’s world-famous goods at “the world’s most authentic Italian heritage festival” and seek out the first merchant ship back home, disappointed sources confirm.
Continue readingBLOOMFIELD — Researchers “looking for a stiff drink” have compiled overwhelming evidence that the bar they entered also serves as a fully functional house, sources trying not to stare at the family photos while they urinate confirm.
Continue readingAVALON — UPMC customer Josh Clifford had no idea a neat little surprise awaited him when he got home from work today.
Continue reading