The Heinz Kraft Company plans to release a pumpkin ketchup in the Pittsburgh area because “fuck you, you’re going to buy this bottled viscous shit, aren’t you?”, representatives at the food giant bet today.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 8 of 17)
STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
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Certain free thought-influenced changes have altered Maddy’s take on masks (definitely not anything related to identity politics), BUT she won’t step defending her Constitutional rights when it comes to the lib-driven tyranny that defines wearing pants. If you’re a Coil member, check the video below! If not, then sign up here for just $5 to get tons of exclusive online comedy.
Oh, 1998. My little Bradley was a sprite, wholesome 14-year-old who could do no wrong, so when he begged and begged me to buy him something about a “Limp Bizkit,” I first thought…well, I first thought it doesn’t sound very appetizing! I’m sorry: sometimes my mischievous streak gets the best of me.
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ROSS TOWNSHIP — Pittsburgh-based “financial whiz” Drew McCarthy’s only suggestion to clients has been to “invest” in numerous plays of his wife’s birthday in the Pennsylvania Lottery PICK 4 drawing, frustrated sources with beer spilled all over printouts of their 401k projections confirm.
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Listen, Jesus died for our sins. God’s only son sacrificed himself yadda yadda yadda — you know the deal. Anyway, letting him die on the cross to absolve us of our misgivings only not to have any would kind of be a dick move, right? Of course it would; I’m glad we’re on the same page.
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OAKLAND — No investor, staff member, or anyone associated with Arby’s has “an inkling of a goddamn clue” how one of its franchises managed to fit into the Bridge on Forbes luxury apartment building near Pitt campus, confused sources report.
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NEW YORK — Rangers GM Jeff Gorton contacted junior star Alexis Lafrenière this morning to discuss the team’s plan to select him first overall and their preference that he “fit the team model” by showing up at training camp having aged 16 years and with no apparent desire to keep playing hockey, the club recently confirmed.
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SWISSVALE — Local “booze expert” Harry Gibson suggested guests at a dinner party he attended this weekend would best complement their herb chicken entree with an “ice cold, well-aged” can of Lionshead beer he grabbed from the back of his fridge, according to sources still trying to get the smell out of the glassware.
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ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Pirates play-by-play announcer Greg Brown has already changed into an alternate pair of khakis during the team’s season-opening broadcast after “absolutely whitewashing” the first pair in cum from excessive excitement for baseball’s return, team sources hurriedly driving to a Target to buy more confirm.
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