Just hear me out, will ya?
Every year, my family wants to watch Scrooge mend his ways, Rudolph capture glory (apparently not a namesake thing), and Ralphie learn a valuable lesson. Yet every year they seem to forget about one holiday watershed that exudes nothing but Jesus-level infallibility: that’s right, I’m talking about Sudden Death — a street-illegal cinematic IROC oozing yuletide goodness.
Continue readingHardcore Steelers fan Bill Huston hopes that nobody in his office’s afternoon Zoom meeting notices him open yet another IC Light, despite already publicly appearing shirtless and surrounded by team memorabilia, sources trying to “keep this shit on the DL” confirm.
Continue readingUNIONTOWN — The Eiffert family fondly recalls their meticulously researched, “once-in-a-lifetime” vacation to the West Coast costing more than $4000 based solely on the impromptu $29 stop at regional chain In-n-Out Burger, according to sources wishing they could at least take the receipt down from the mantle when hosting guests.
Continue readingSOUTHWESTERN PENNSYLVANIA — The Kraft Heinz Company will be using the region as its primary test market for new 15.5-gallon ketchup kegs, the food conglomerate explained in a press release earlier today.
Continue reading2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders “sincerely regrets” refusing a escort through the Fort Pitt Tunnel to commiserate with the struggles of “everyday Pittsburghers,” the frustrated 77-year-old reported from his second hour in Parkway West traffic on his way to a get-out-and-vote event this morning.”
Continue readingGREEN TREE — KDKA Radio Morning Show host Larry Richert has faced difficulty meeting the station’s request that he “squeeze a little” QAnon talking point into his live reads for King’s Family Restaurants to make up for missing content from since-fired Wendy Bell, according to sources unsure how to segue from purported pedophilia rings to chicken noodle soup.
Continue readingHarry Wilmoth, second generation: “And someday, my grandkids will experience the same joy of admitting that a season full of promise ending up in eight or nine wins is still miles better than a man with a crew cut who describes his offense in race car analogies.”
SHADYSIDE — Pittsburgh law firm Ferris, Ferris, Ferris and Klein faced controversy today for “a reckless disregard for commercialism,” reportedly avoiding obnoxious television and radio ads in favor of a tasteful brick and glass facade adorned with the firm’s name as the only indication that the reputable legal business even exists.
Continue readingSHADYSIDE — Local resident Mike Fuller hopes “absolute fucking legend” and Mt. Lebanon native Mark Cuban can still save his marriage, even though the billionaire was unable to outbid an offer from mid-sized Mero Restaurant Group to save Oakland mainstay Original Hot Dog Shop.
Continue readingI’ve gone too far this time. That’s it, I’m done for. Jesus, why am I such an idiot?
“You’ve done this a hundred times before; you just feel a little different,” I told myself. “Just blast the cold air right on you and you’ll be fine,” I said. “Nothing bad will happen to you. You’re too smart,” I insisted. Shows what I know. Please, honestly, I just need your help…ANY help.
You guessed it: I’m currently at Eat n’ Park and — dear God, I can’t believe I’m saying this right now — I’m stone sober.
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