“Listen, chief, wherefore art thou Romeo?” asked Juliet impatiently. “Your dad’s a dick; just say you’re somebody else, aight?”
As of press time, Romeo had reportedly drunk poison thinking Juliet had taken her own life the same way. Sources say, however, she was just passed out from “pounding too much 151.”
No word from Fetterman whether he intends to pursue criminal charges at this time.
Harry Wilmoth, second generation: “And someday, my grandkids will experience the same joy of admitting that a season full of promise ending up in eight or nine wins is still miles better than a man with a crew cut who describes his offense in race car analogies.”
CARNEGIE — Despite a recent uptick in COVID-19 cases in Allegheny County, local man Paul Wright continues to refuse to wear a mask in public because he believes it makes him look stupid, the 34-year-old confirmed today while lounging in a child’s pool in his “absolute favorite” ‘Drink Up Yinz Bitches’ cutoff.
Continue readingNORTH PARK — Local “running machine” Tim Liebermann determined the pace of his morning jog around the lake at North Park was far too quick to consider wearing a mask as he struggled through packs of also unmasked walkers, according to sources asking if anybody had some spare water between labored, saliva-spewing breaths.
Continue readingROUTE 28 INBOUND — Local woman Courtney Grendel expressed satisfaction this morning that she had to sit nearly 20 minutes in standstill traffic for the first time since stay-at-home orders were issued in March, according to sources colorfully reminding other motorists which pedal was the accelerator.
Continue readingUPPER SAINT CLAIR — Upon entering the state’s green phase, members of Upper St. Clair residential plan Whisper Hollow announced this morning that their collective efforts have ensured the neighborhood “contains not a single trace” of COVID-19 or persons who in any identifiable way deviate from the norm.
Continue readingTROY HILL — The children of local woman Terry Eichenlaub surprised her this Mother’s Day morning with a 24-ounce can of Coors Light and pack of Newport cigarettes while she rested in bed, according to sources with a “heart full of love and probably a fair amount of tar.”
“I got the best kids a mother could wish for,” said Eichenlaub, enthusiastically asking them which cigarette she should try first. “For my birthday, they laid on the Aqua Net and perfume thick for me so I could keep taking shooters before heading out to Buckhead’s, and now this. I really do have the greatest—HEY, KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF BEFORE I SMACK ONE OF YINZ UPSIDE THE HEAD.”
As of press time, the Eichenlaub family had allegedly arranged a day of “riveting cinema” for the matriarch, starting with the 1998 Hell in Cell match between the Undertaker and Mankind.
ERIE — Erie County’s move to the yellow stage of the Governor’s reopening plan has inspired local resident Rick Morris to seek out all the activities and opportunities that don’t exist in his hometown, sources figuring they’ll have this “wrapped up soon” confirm.
Continue readingBRENTWOOD — Local man Gus Naismith conceded today that his wife Linda’s Mexican cooking, “while it ain’t too shabby,” could never surpass what he ordered as an 11-year-old on his church’s “mission trip” to the former Chi Chi’s restaurant on McKnight Road in the North Hills.
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