Category: Sports (Page 2 of 10)
PITTSBURGH — ESPN’s Adam Schefter has reported that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger fully intends to follow through with his ominous threat to return for another year, thus extending the seemingly endless cycle of hell that involves having to talk about this fucking guy.
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Harry Wilmoth, second generation: “And someday, my grandkids will experience the same joy of admitting that a season full of promise ending up in eight or nine wins is still miles better than a man with a crew cut who describes his offense in race car analogies.”
Las Vegas Knights goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury appears to be riding an unmistakable trajectory right back to the black and gold of Pittsburgh.
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NORTH SHORE — As Darryl McCloskey “waters the plants” in a semi-concealed patch of greenery on the North Shore, he wears alongside his James Connor jersey a face of mourning to mark the loss of a loved one.
It isn’t a distant aunt, ailing grandparent, or a member of his graduating class, however. It’s a urinal.
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NORRISTOWN, Penn. — Single, long-time unemployed man Robbie “Mooch” Hartwig reached out to friends from his parents’ attic this morning after “finally taking a good look in the mirror” and deciding he desperately needed their input to improve his fantasy football team, according to sources microwaving a slice of bread with a Kraft American single on it.
Continue readingWe just wanted to thank all our YouTube subscribers out there with perhaps the most in-depth and exhaustive coverage local sports we’ve produced yet. Enjoy and thank you!
SHARPSBURG — Local therapist Sabrina Donovan advised a new client yesterday to “quit pushing all [their] problems on friends, family, and coworkers” and instead attribute fault exclusively to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, according to relieved sources.
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The PIAA’s announcement to carry on with its fall sports schedule as planned has excited residents throughout the Greater Pittsburgh Area. In the current environment, however, it’ll be hard for parents to interact in ways that feel meaningful. That’s why we’ve tested three popular video call apps to let you know how you might best tell your kid’s fall sports coach that they’re a useless sack of shit who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
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MECHANICSBURG — Despite virus concerns, local dad Bill Meyers petitioned the PIAA yesterday to follow through with the state’s high school football schedule as planned for fear that canceling the season would deny kids a year of brain injuries “that would last a lifetime,” according to sources currently demanding his freshman son start at varsity QB.
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