BELLEVUE — Closely following the Riverhounds since their return to play, local “sports addict” Jack Mosley believes he has finally started to understand soccer except the game’s strategies, positions, most basic rules, and the name of Pittsburgh’s USL franchise, sources with two beers yelling “tackle him” report.
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CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY — A bot exposed to hours of Pens talk via radio broadcasts, podcasts, and audio transcripts of Twitter threads startled researchers this week by learning to utter ‘Matt Murray sucks’ with a distinct slur of a person under the influence of alcohol or choking on their own rage, sources trying to stop it from calling 93.7 the Fan again confirm.
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HIGHMARK STADIUM — State officials have reportedly granted a waiver request made by the Riverhounds Soccer Club to allow fans into games despite yellow phase restrictions on the grounds that it is “highly improbable” attendance would ever exceed 25 persons.
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PITTSBURGH — Penguins winger Jake Guentzel is reportedly panicking after having spent the entirety of quarantine consuming solely his signature milkshake from the Milkshake Factory instead of preparing for the 24-team conclusion to the 2020 NHL season as agreed on today.
“I wasn’t supposed to be back in time,” said a frantic Guentzel, hurriedly approaching an elliptical machine before a fit of dry heaves stopped him. “Jesus, what do I do? I guess start with something easy like jumping jacks, maybe. OK…one…two — oh God, I think I’m going to vomit chocolate sauce.”
As of press time, Sidney Crosby had allegedly agreed to come help Guentzel after finishing a plank exercise that he first started in March.
PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Communities throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania are calling on health experts to start summarizing their comprehensive, data-heavy, life-saving information on COVID-19 in the form of a singular convenient Steelers analogy.
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POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
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TAMPA BAY — Following a trade that marked his return to the NFL, tight end Rob Gronkowski stated in a press conference yesterday he feels he still has “at least three, maybe four more” high-quality, debilitating injuries left in him before retiring for good.
Continue readingWhether self-imposed or government-enforced, this quarantining business is changing facets of life Pittsbughers value most. Chuck’s managed to deal with it so far…in a fashion.
TAMPA BAY, Fla. — After decades of conflict, “unlikable geezer” Tom Brady finally moved away to Florida, according to local sources pounding celebratory shots of Imperial alone in their kitchen.
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PITTSBURGH — The NHL announced this afternoon it will suspend the regular season due to the Coronavirus, reportedly crushing local dad Michael Hupp’s plans to take his kids to their first Pens game before insisting they leave to beat traffic halfway in.
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