POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
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TAMPA BAY — Following a trade that marked his return to the NFL, tight end Rob Gronkowski stated in a press conference yesterday he feels he still has “at least three, maybe four more” high-quality, debilitating injuries left in him before retiring for good.
Continue readingWhether self-imposed or government-enforced, this quarantining business is changing facets of life Pittsbughers value most. Chuck’s managed to deal with it so far…in a fashion.
TAMPA BAY, Fla. — After decades of conflict, “unlikable geezer” Tom Brady finally moved away to Florida, according to local sources pounding celebratory shots of Imperial alone in their kitchen.
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PITTSBURGH — The NHL announced this afternoon it will suspend the regular season due to the Coronavirus, reportedly crushing local dad Michael Hupp’s plans to take his kids to their first Pens game before insisting they leave to beat traffic halfway in.
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Kennywood Park will work alongside the Pittsburgh Pirates to construct a new Pirates-themed roller coaster that consists of one uninterrupted precipitous drop, the park announced today.
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The NHL trade deadline is less than a week away, and real fans everywhere — especially the lonely guy in the NHL-licensed Penguins beanie occupying the bar stool beside you — are fervently discussing what surprises might await as the season enters its final quarter-lap towards the playoffs.
So if you really are a fan, then you should already know these four completely untrue, unreasonable, or virtually impossible things about the Penguins that this man about to attack-talk you at the bar will suggest is Biblical fact anyway.
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Let me start by saying, you’re welcome. I doubt you’d have been able to come this conclusion by your pathetic self, even if Double M yelled it right in your face and I quickly repeated it in words that were just different enough to make it sound somewhat novel afterwards.
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STRIP DISTRICT — Local woman Nicole Steadman is reportedly waiting to ask a vendor in the Strip District if they have their ‘Fuck Tom Brady’ T-shirt in kids sizes after determining it to be the ideal Christmas gift for her seven-year-old niece.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Thrift store chain Goodwill reminded potential donors around Southwestern Pennsylvania this morning that their stores cannot accept torn clothing, inoperable appliances and electronics, or Mason Rudolph jerseys, according to sources who haven’t “seen this kind of mayhem since the great O’Donnell purge of 1996.”
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