PITTSBURGH — With the departure of Jack Johnson and Matt Murray, Penguins newcomer Cody Ceci expressed confidence this morning in his ability to fill the team’s substantial need at scapegoat for the 2021-2022 season.
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By Owner and Patriot, John R. Block
E
very few years, I make no little effort to convince myself that this hapless bastard we’ve so generously nicknamed ‘voting’ is a blessing, even if only to placate every odious lemming who mills aimlessly about, costing a hard-working oligarch charitable enough to employ the layabout a precious sixpence and himself any modicum of gratuity as I’m forced to suffer the indignity of heating some broth while my DoorDash order grows cold in the, no doubt, dungeon of his passenger seat.
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“Listen, chief, wherefore art thou Romeo?” asked Juliet impatiently. “Your dad’s a dick; just say you’re somebody else, aight?”
As of press time, Romeo had reportedly drunk poison thinking Juliet had taken her own life the same way. Sources say, however, she was just passed out from “pounding too much 151.”
Oh. My. God. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod.
Let’s get right to the important stuff: we call him ‘Sebie’ (like “See-Bee”), he is the absolute cutest, and now he’s found his forever home! Just look at that smile.
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Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2020! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below:
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No word from Fetterman whether he intends to pursue criminal charges at this time.
PITTSBURGH — ESPN’s Adam Schefter has reported that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger fully intends to follow through with his ominous threat to return for another year, thus extending the seemingly endless cycle of hell that involves having to talk about this fucking guy.
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OVERBROOK — Pens fan Joe Morries officially ended 19 years of animosity today by removing the “off” duct-taped to his Jagr jersey after the star’s contentious departure to the Washington Capitals in 2001, according to sources who hope the 48-year-old Czech didn’t take the threatening letters made of Shop n’ Save clippings too hard.
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FRANKLIN PARK — Local resident Roger Whitmore, 63, wondered aloud this morning whether PennDOT drivers “actually do any damn work” after looking out his living room window for 12 seconds without seeing a single plow pass, according to retired sources who wished they “could get paid to do nothing.”
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