The Heinz Kraft Company plans to release a pumpkin ketchup in the Pittsburgh area because “fuck you, you’re going to buy this bottled viscous shit, aren’t you?”, representatives at the food giant bet today.
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STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
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PENN TOWNSHIP — Local dive regular Lou Parker has begun looking “dangerously well and high-spirited” since Covid-19 restrictions have forced him to eat between orders of light beer and shots of Imperial whiskey, concerned sources report.
Continue readingWe just wanted to thank all our YouTube subscribers out there with perhaps the most in-depth and exhaustive coverage local sports we’ve produced yet. Enjoy and thank you!
SHARPSBURG — Local therapist Sabrina Donovan advised a new client yesterday to “quit pushing all [their] problems on friends, family, and coworkers” and instead attribute fault exclusively to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, according to relieved sources.
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The PIAA’s announcement to carry on with its fall sports schedule as planned has excited residents throughout the Greater Pittsburgh Area. In the current environment, however, it’ll be hard for parents to interact in ways that feel meaningful. That’s why we’ve tested three popular video call apps to let you know how you might best tell your kid’s fall sports coach that they’re a useless sack of shit who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
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Certain free thought-influenced changes have altered Maddy’s take on masks (definitely not anything related to identity politics), BUT she won’t step defending her Constitutional rights when it comes to the lib-driven tyranny that defines wearing pants. If you’re a Coil member, check the video below! If not, then sign up here for just $5 to get tons of exclusive online comedy.
Oh, 1998. My little Bradley was a sprite, wholesome 14-year-old who could do no wrong, so when he begged and begged me to buy him something about a “Limp Bizkit,” I first thought…well, I first thought it doesn’t sound very appetizing! I’m sorry: sometimes my mischievous streak gets the best of me.
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MECHANICSBURG — Despite virus concerns, local dad Bill Meyers petitioned the PIAA yesterday to follow through with the state’s high school football schedule as planned for fear that canceling the season would deny kids a year of brain injuries “that would last a lifetime,” according to sources currently demanding his freshman son start at varsity QB.
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