EDMONTON — An empty arena for Arizona Coyotes home games in the first round of the NHL playoffs has created no notable difference from the level of crowd noise the team generated prior to virus restrictions, sources yawning as they try to stave off elimination tomorrow confirm.
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INDIANA, Penn. — Leaders at the IUP chapter of Phi Alpha Kappa released a stringent list of measures this morning aimed at protecting minors getting jungle juice at a party from Covid-19, sources yelling “Chug! Chug! Chug!” at a teenage freshman report.
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Listen, Jesus died for our sins. God’s only son sacrificed himself yadda yadda yadda — you know the deal. Anyway, letting him die on the cross to absolve us of our misgivings only not to have any would kind of be a dick move, right? Of course it would; I’m glad we’re on the same page.
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WASHINGTON — The Washington NFL franchise faced more controversy this week as critics called out the team’s “absurd” appropriation of a real professional football team.
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OAKLAND — No investor, staff member, or anyone associated with Arby’s has “an inkling of a goddamn clue” how one of its franchises managed to fit into the Bridge on Forbes luxury apartment building near Pitt campus, confused sources report.
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NEW YORK — Rangers GM Jeff Gorton contacted junior star Alexis Lafrenière this morning to discuss the team’s plan to select him first overall and their preference that he “fit the team model” by showing up at training camp having aged 16 years and with no apparent desire to keep playing hockey, the club recently confirmed.
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SWISSVALE — Local “booze expert” Harry Gibson suggested guests at a dinner party he attended this weekend would best complement their herb chicken entree with an “ice cold, well-aged” can of Lionshead beer he grabbed from the back of his fridge, according to sources still trying to get the smell out of the glassware.
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TORONTO — A research team commissioned by the NHL discovered a never-before-seen third commercial this morning, according to league sources telling FanDuel their ad will now only broadcast 7,000,000 times over the next several days.
Continue readingWhether on the air or yelling shrilly from her front porch, Maddy Judgeton never hesitates to give you the real, truth-seeking insight you can only get from a normative suburban woman who gets paid to be ‘edgy’ because people like listening to the news anymore. Today, Maddy tells you how to properly protest in the United States. (If you can’t see it, subscribe today at coil.com for access to this content and tons more satire:)
ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Pirates play-by-play announcer Greg Brown has already changed into an alternate pair of khakis during the team’s season-opening broadcast after “absolutely whitewashing” the first pair in cum from excessive excitement for baseball’s return, team sources hurriedly driving to a Target to buy more confirm.
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