Las Vegas Knights goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury appears to be riding an unmistakable trajectory right back to the black and gold of Pittsburgh.
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I’ve gone too far this time. That’s it, I’m done for. Jesus, why am I such an idiot?
“You’ve done this a hundred times before; you just feel a little different,” I told myself. “Just blast the cold air right on you and you’ll be fine,” I said. “Nothing bad will happen to you. You’re too smart,” I insisted. Shows what I know. Please, honestly, I just need your help…ANY help.
You guessed it: I’m currently at Eat n’ Park and — dear God, I can’t believe I’m saying this right now — I’m stone sober.
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NORTH SHORE — As Darryl McCloskey “waters the plants” in a semi-concealed patch of greenery on the North Shore, he wears alongside his James Connor jersey a face of mourning to mark the loss of a loved one.
It isn’t a distant aunt, ailing grandparent, or a member of his graduating class, however. It’s a urinal.
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ON A RAGING SEA BACK TO THE MEDITERRANEAN — The final cancellation of Little Italy Days has forced “100% full-blooded” Neapolitan kettle corn vendor Pepe Verratti to abandon his dream of serving the family’s world-famous goods at “the world’s most authentic Italian heritage festival” and seek out the first merchant ship back home, disappointed sources confirm.
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NORRISTOWN, Penn. — Single, long-time unemployed man Robbie “Mooch” Hartwig reached out to friends from his parents’ attic this morning after “finally taking a good look in the mirror” and deciding he desperately needed their input to improve his fantasy football team, according to sources microwaving a slice of bread with a Kraft American single on it.
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BLOOMFIELD — Researchers “looking for a stiff drink” have compiled overwhelming evidence that the bar they entered also serves as a fully functional house, sources trying not to stare at the family photos while they urinate confirm.
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AVALON — UPMC customer Josh Clifford had no idea a neat little surprise awaited him when he got home from work today.
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The Heinz Kraft Company plans to release a pumpkin ketchup in the Pittsburgh area because “fuck you, you’re going to buy this bottled viscous shit, aren’t you?”, representatives at the food giant bet today.
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STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
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PENN TOWNSHIP — Local dive regular Lou Parker has begun looking “dangerously well and high-spirited” since Covid-19 restrictions have forced him to eat between orders of light beer and shots of Imperial whiskey, concerned sources report.
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